OST for the day

Ito ang kanta ko ngayon:

O Hesus, Hilumin Mo

Koro:
O Hesus, hilumin Mo
Aking sugatang puso
Nang aking mahango
Kapwa kong kasimbigo

Hapis at pait Iyong patamisin
At hagkan ang sakit
Nang magningas ang rikit

Aking sugatang diwa't katawan
Ay gawing daan
Ng 'Yong kaligtasan


(Hinihiling nitong pulutin ni Hesus ang pira-piraso ng basag-basag na buhay, at muling buuin. Sapagkat Siyang sinugatan at binasag sa krus ang Siyang pinakamainam at pinakamabisang lunas at ligaya ng pusong sugatan at basag din. Sa gayong paraan, nakamtan ang lakas at tapang upang humayo at magdala ng pag-ibig at paghilom sa kapwa sugatan. - Bukas Palad )

I was asking for healing and yet Rosanne C. Romero, author of Amusing Grace, pointed out that we should “seek after the Healer. Not the healing.”


Ito yung gusto kong kantahin pagkatapos:

All Shall be Well

Too many sunsets have we seen, too may mornings far between
Too soon the clouds have passed us by, too soon the sun died in our eyes
Too many broken forevers, too long has been this stormy weather
No more rainbows after rain, and no more healing from the pain

Refrain:
Yet all shall be well, all shall be well
You'll see, all shall soon be well
All things, all men, all the world shall be well
Broken wings that cannot mend. Are we afraid to dream again?

The world is full of passing faces. Our hearts are bruised in many places
I know, you'll see, through all the pain and sadness
All things, all men, all the world shall be well

Ms. Tata's song

Nobody likes me.
Everybody hates me.
I’m gonna eat some worms.

CHORUS:
Long, slim slimy ones,
Short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy, wuzzy worms.

~~~

Naalala ko lang... Ms. Tata used to sing this song. Kala ko kinopose lang niya out of the blue, nung sinearch ko sa google, may song pala talagang ganito :) pero of all animals naman why worms????! blechk!

You are Casey from "Mad Love"
Take Which 90's movie character are you? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.

You're spontaneous, Idealistic and impulsive. You tend to jump into things without thinking of the consequences. But your life Motto is "Seize the Day"
Okay..So maybe you're...a little crazy. Aren't we all? At least you're fully LIVING. You have no regrets. You're a free soul.

Patience

Nagpadala ng text si Jena sakin:

God seldom does great things in a hurry; so let us wait patiently. Patience means waiting GOD’S TIME without doubting GOD’S LOVE...

Note to self: Toink! :)

A memorable weekend

April 3, 2005



I was awakened by the news that our beloved Pope John Paul II passed away to reunite with the Maker at 9:37pm of April 2, 2005 (Rome time).

As I watched the news the previous night, the Vatican spokesperson said that the Pope’s condition was worsening BUT he was “serene” - he was at peace. The spokesperson was asking the people to pray for the Holy See. What was different from the request was that he was not asking for the people to pray that the pope would be well; he was asking the public to pray for the Pontiff’s peaceful death. It somehow made the “thy will be done” statement a bit clearer along with the acceptance of His will and faith that goes along with it.

And when I heard the news, I was not shocked but it made me sad.

When he visited our country 10 years ago for the celebration of the World Youth Day, my family and I left for Manila at around 3:00 am and treaded the Taft Avenue just to see him.

He caught my heart when I heard the news that during the abovementioned celebration, he defied protocols just to be with the participants – just to be near us.

My favorite story of him goes like this:
During his first few days as Pope, he had no one to talk to. So he picked up the phone and dialed without knowing who would answer it. It was answered by one of the Vatican staff. The staff was so surprised and elated to learn that she was talking with the new Pope!

Nice noh? :)

I mean, he was not just anybody. He was SOMEBODY and yet somehow he seemed so reachable. It was once said that we preach best, and teach best, by our personal example. As a faithful servant of Christ, he became a great example to his people.

Au revoir Ioannes Paulus PP. II! I pray to see you again someday. :)

~~~

I accompanied Ate Baby to her speaking engagement in Canossa College, San Pablo. She was the keynote speaker for the high school commencement exercise.

I saw some of my former teachers there.
Mrs. Gesmundo – adviser in 1st year
Sr. Annie – religion teacher in 1st year
Mr. De La Mar – adviser in 3rd year
Ms. Lajara – adviser in 4th year

I have shared my life to them. In return they have shared their lives to me and influenced me in one way or another. During my 2nd year in high school, my adviser, Mrs. Ortega wrote a note to me. She said:

“Dear Jing, Teachers may come and go, but they will always be part of your life. I hope I’ll be one of them.”

Guess what Ms., all of you have become a great part of my life :)

~~~

April 2, 2005

I am an anti-social person, an introvert, and a listener more than a conversationalist. So you must understand that what you’re about to read was considered as a very big effort and opportunity to practice my people skills.

10:15 am. Nakasabay ko si Ate Glo sa jeep.
Ate Glo's the yaya of my brother for six years. We talked from the moment she saw me until we reached her house.

10:30 am – 1:15 pm. Kinuwentuhan ako ng dentist ko for 3 hours.
What was supposed to be a 3-minute consultation lasted for almost 3 hours – Yup! I lasted that long :)

3:45 pm. I acted as one of the host during the graduation of my cousin.

5:55 pm. While doing the dishes, I entertained Ate Josie, my mama’s balikbayan cousin. My aunt left us, confident that I could handle the conversation pretty well. Oh boy, she had no idea.

Everything went well naman :)

~~~

April 1, 2005

Dreaming that you are PREGNANT, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Dreaming that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you suggests that a project you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart and slowly deteriorating. Nothing works out the way you want it to.

and

Seeing a WALL in your dream means limitations, obstacles and boundaries. There is a barrier obstructing your progress. You may have been accustomed to your old habits and way of thinking. If you see a wall crumble, then it suggests that you have easily risen above your problems and overcame your barriers.

***

All in all my weekend, if not perfect, went well naman :)

Definition

from: www.dictionary.com

de·pres·sion (d-prshn)
n.

1. The act of depressing or the state of being depressed.
2. A reduction in physiological vigor or activity.
3. A lowering in amount, degree, or position.
4. An inward displacement of a body part.
5. A hollow or sunken area.
6. The condition of feeling sad or despondent.
7. A psychotic or neurotic condition characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, and feelings of extreme sadness, dejection, and hopelessness.

and

sadness (sd-nes)
n.

1. Affected or characterized by sorrow or unhappiness.
2. Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.
3. Causing sorrow or gloom; depressing: a sad movie; sad news.
4. Deplorable; sorry: a sad state of affairs; a sad excuse.
5. Dark-hued; somber.

~~~

therefore:

sadness + sadness + sadness + sadness + sadness = depression

Lent

People close to me know that I like Lent better than Christmas. I have nothing against the latter but in our very materialistic world Christmas has become more and more inclined to the thought of giving gifts - mostly material things. Its true meaning has been over ridden by questions such as: “what is your gift to me?” and “how much it costs?”

Then there’s Lent. For forty days, we are encouraged to give more than material gifts. We are asked to make effort to be a little bit kinder to each other, to be a little bit patient and to be one with Christ in His suffering to save us.

It’s like having a date with Him and having a grand time.

~~~

Tuesday.
A number of people, especially Arlene and Ilen, have been encouraging me to watch the film, The Passion of the Christ since it’s release last year, but I can’t. I don’t have the guts to watch my Lord go through all the pain, the torment and the persecution because of me. I just can’t. Yup! A first class coward.

So, armored with a bit of courage, I watched the film. It broke my heart but I’m glad I did watch.

It was when He accepted the Father’s will and said “Thy will be done” that made all the difference. His perfect, unfailing and wonderful love behind the torment made everything else possible.

The love surrounding the cross –His love - saved us. Along with that is the love at the foot of the cross, which encourages us to be strong in every step of the way to be closer to Him.



~~~

Wednesday.
Inay, my beloved and amazing grandmother, turned 69. I pray for her, long life and more love :)



~~~

Thursday.
It is a yearly tradition of the family to visit at least seven churches within Laguna to do Bisita Iglesia. This year we visited eight: (1) St. Peter’s Seminary (2) Carmelite (3) Church in Rizal, Laguna (4) Church in Nagcarlan, Laguna (5) Saint Francis of Assisi Church in San Francisco, Calihan (6) Saint Paul The First Hermit - San Pablo Cathedral (7) Nuestra Señora delos Remedios (8) Nestra Señora del Pilar





It was being with Him and with my family at the same time.

~~~

Saturday.
Went to Nazareth Bahay Pag-ibig. I just love Lola Inday and Lola Soledad :)



~~~

Sunday.
We had to wake up early – like 3:30am to go to the plaza. We attended mass after witnessing the removal of the mourning veil of Mama Mary by an angel (a little girl of about 3 to 4 years old) for Christ has risen :) Happy Easter!

Kung Ibig Mo Akong Makilala

Ruth Elynia S. Mabanglo, 1988

Kung ibig mo akong makilala,
lampasan mo ang guhit ng mahugis na balat,
ang titig kong dagat—
yumayapos nang mahigpit sa bawat saglit
ng kahapon ko’t bukas.

Kung ibig mo akong makilala
sunduin mo ako sa himlayang dilim
at sa madlang pagsukol ng inunang hilahil,
ibangon ako at saka palayain.

Isang pag-ibig na lipos ng lingap,
tahanang malaya sa pangamba at sumbat
may suhay ng tuwa’t ang kaluwalhatia’y
walang takda—
ialay mo lahat ito sa akin
kung mahal mo ako’t ibig kilalanin.

Kung ibig mo akong kilalanin,
sisirin mo ako hanggang buto,
liparin mo ako hanggang utak,
umilanlang ka hanggang kaluluwa—
hubad ako roon: mula ulo hanggang paa.

Numb

Nothing moves me. I can only truly feel something when it involves sadness and anger. I have been very irritable, clumsy and forgetful these past few weeks. I hate myself for having these “abnormalities”. I'm numb... too numb to feel and write anything. Until when this will last? :'( Sana matapos na. I longed to feel the excitement of being alive again.

...

From a forwarded email:

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago. The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant.

Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs." Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, "Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls."

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said," You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company." Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her.

At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, "suppose we divorce, what will you do?" She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that 'divorce' was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together." I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. "I've got something to tell you," I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. "I want to divorce." I raised a serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?"

"I'm serious." I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man!"

At that night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew. With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement, which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one-day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce, which had obsessed me for several weeks, seemed to be firmer and clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again. She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?"

This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.I nodded and said, "I remember".

"You carried me in your arms", she continued, "so, I have arequirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning." I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd."No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce," she said scornfully.Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "daddy is holding mummy in his arms." His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, "Let us start from today, don't tell our son." I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there."

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer. On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now." She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my dresses have grown fatter." I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart.

Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it's time to carry mum out." He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old." I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our life was lack of such intimacy." I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious."

She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead. "You got no fever." She said.I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew," I said, "I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you." Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into cry.

I walked downstairs and drove to the office. When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife, which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until we are old."

Stubborn love

Kathy Troccoli

*Love song ko ke Lord :)*

Caught again. Your faithless friend.
Don't You ever tire of hearing
What a fool I've been?
Guess I should pray,
But what can I say?
Oh, it hurts to know the hundred times
I've caused You pain.

The "forgive me" sounds so empty
When I never change.
Yet You stay and say, "I love you still,"
Forgiving me time and time again.

CHORUS:
It's Your stubborn love
That never lets go of me.
I don't understand how You can stay -
Perfect love embracing the worst in me
How I long for Your stubborn love.

Funny me.
Just couldn't see
Even long before I knew You,
You were loving me.
Sometimes I cry -
You must cry, too
when You see the broken promises
I've made to you.
I keep saying that I'll trust You
Though I seldom do.
Yet You stay and say You love me still,
Knowing some day I'll be like You.

CHORUS:

It's Your stubborn love
That never lets go of me.
I don't understand how You can stay -
Perfect love embracing the worst in me.
And You never let me go -
I believe I finally know
I can't live without Your stubborn love!

Going home

It’s 9:15 pm and I’m still here in the office. No official whatsoever, I just have to help an officemate to do something for her kid.

I’m tired and hungry and sleepy and tired and hungry and sleepy and… oh yeah, bored too. I still have to wake up really early for a meeting tomorrow at the Manila area but I have to post something first. Should be yesterday pa nga eh kaya lang I’m having problems with my boss these days.

Anyhow, I went to Los Baños last Monday to pass my application for a graduate course at UPOU. The third time I went there without him.

*Recalling the events as well as the emotions involved*

~~~

September 24, 2004. I was hopeful then that he would change his mind and come back – but he didn’t and the pain was beyond compare.

October 18, 2004. My parents saw how dreadful I was at the thought of going back to “our” place that even though I did not ask, they volunteered and accompanied me there. Just the thought of being at the place where memories still linger made my muscles shiver and my bones rattle – it was the worst feeling I had ever experienced. Sobrang nakakapraning.

CS Lewis, in his book, Grief Observed wrote that: “grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restless, the yawning… I keep on swallowing.”

That was exactly how I felt then. I still feel those things but not as frequent.

February 28, 2005. I was neither hopeful nor scared. I was, in fact, thrilled of going “home.”

~~~

I love UPLB and I don’t think I would ever stop loving it. Oh yes, the place still reminds me of him but it has it’s very own magic that never fails to place me in a trance.

Arlenie’s kind enough to accompany me there twice – during the 1st and 3rd time – even though I know she’s not exactly thrilled of going back. Salamat po. Thank you for steadying me up when the “shivering” and the “rattling” hit.

I also have to say thank you to Jaike and Riza (LB-based friends) for making me feel that I’m not alone there. Yung feeling na kahit anong mangyari, basta pumunta ako dun they will always be there to make me smile.

Friends are part of the charm that encircles UPLB. Kahit na we have our own lives na, we are certain that we would be there to support each other through the good and especially the not so good times.

~~~

siyempre may pictures!


with Arlenie and Riza (and also yung baby - ndi pa kita kasi he is still inside his mom's tummy :)


not the "original" oble but he will do for now. next time na lang yung original - the one in front of the humanities building ;)

**gosh! nauna si arlene magpost sakin! promise ndi kita ginaya. ngayon ko lang nakita na nagpost ka din on the same topic. oki?!

Heaven Help My Heart

Tina Arena

Two smiling faces
That's how it used to be
What once was forever
Now a faded memory
The perfect illusion
For a while I guess it was
Without explanation the bloom fell off the rose
Heaven help my heart
'Cause it's a lot like me
Wondering when this all will end and I find the love I need
I know it's out there somewhere
Somehow I still believe
I'm asking please
Heaven help my heart
This world can get crazy
These are troubled times
I'd walk through fire if love is what I'd find
It's out of my hands so I put my faith in you
I say a little prayer and hope that it comes true
Heaven help my heart
'Cause it's a lot like me
Wondering when this all will end and I find the love I need
I know it's out there somewhere
Somehow I still believe
I'm asking please
Heaven help my heart

Weekend adventure

'Is there anybody up there?' he asks.
'Yes, it's me, God,' comes the response.
'Thank God for that,' the atheist replies.
'Please God, help me. I'll do anything.'
'Of course, my son. But I have just one request to make.'
'Anything, God,' replies the atheist.
'I will save you, my child,' says God,
'but you have to trust me first. Let go of the twig and I will catch you.'

Bakit ba ang tagal ko bago makinig? Ang kulit! Grabe… What else do I need to hear, to see and to feel before I let go of the twig?

God constantly assures me that He would be there when I fall and yet here I am so afraid of falling, of experiencing the pain, of being alone and of letting go.

People around me, including him, keep on insisting that there is a greater plan. Of course there is. It’s just so hard to have a clearer perspective right now. I have been blinded by my own heart’s desires.

Earlier this week, he told me that I am the only person whom he is completely comfortable with… the only one whom he can talk to without editing… the one who would always be there for him… ang sarap pakinggan lahat, flattering. But in as much as I always want to be there for him, I can’t now. Not now. Kaya na niya sarili niya.

What happened last Friday were both a mistake and an eye opener. I thought I was ok na. Hindi pa pala.

The clotting of the blood – still on its first stage – was stopped; the wound was revived which caused the heart to bleed again. However this time, the blood served as an eye-opener. Now I really have to let go of the twig.

I asked him to help me. I asked him not to call, text or email me. It was the only way I know for me to move on. But I assured him that I could be his emergency friend. Pag wala na talagang matakbuhan, I can be there for him. I just don’t know if he would remember me when that time comes.

In any case, I'm moving on I will try to move on.

~~~

I went out last Saturday with my high school friends to see South Border at Letran, Calamba.

(As you read on please take not of the time – very important)

The concert was supposed to start at 7:00 pm of February 19, 2005. We were at the site at around 8pm and had to wait until 1:00 am of February 20, 2005 to be able to watch them perform for an hour. Forgive me for saying this but I found them very UN-PRO-FES-SION-AL. Eh mas marami pang songs na kinanta yung front act band.

Anyhow, that’s not the highlight of my weekend. While waiting for the band, Maciel (my best friend), Raciel (her twin sis), Destine, Reese, Gian and I started talking and eating and taking pictures of one another. In the end, we had 30+ pictures and only 4 of the band’s :) kasi na-drain na yung batteries.

We were together until 8 am. I have to say I had fun ;)

Thank you very much friends :)

~~~

piktyurs:

Hug

A hug was asked.
And in every possible way,
it was given.

Hush...

Wala pa rin ako masabi dito. Masama pa rin ang loob ko. I don’t want whining here kaya lang what he did last weekend was way below me. It was foul. Of all the insults I’ve accepted from him, this one’s probably the worst. Yet he acted as if nothing happened, as if it was the most normal thing to do. Grabe, wala na ba talaga siyang pakiramdam?

In the years we’ve spent together, I have refined and polished his image in my mind; he became the perfect person. I have overlooked every fault and placed him at the altar to worship. Now, as I watch the altar falls into pieces, I feel trapped. I am at the bottom (again) – under all the debris. Alive? Yes... barely breathing.

But this time, I know that I will survive.

~~~

Inspiration
From Sun Cellular Inspiration (2346):

~February 15, 2005~

But what about me? Who will love me in return? We catch ourselves asking these questions sometimes, aware of our own need to be loved and cared for. The problem is when this becomes such a concern for us that we love in measured steps, giving yet calculating, reaching out with half-open hands. God loves you. And loves you more! Much more than you can think of. Let God’s love free you from all your fears. He wants you to be happy and at peace.

Happy Valentine's day!

February 14, 2005

What are you in love with.. will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, what breaks your heart (Pedro Arrupe, SJ). How does this strike you? Think about this as you start Valentine’s Day. We sometimes think that love is simply a high, heavenly feeling, forgetting that is has much to do with the quality of the lives we live. Fall in love stay in love and it will decide everything!

~~~

Inspiration
From Sun Cellular Inspiration (2346):

~January 16, 2005~

Happy feast day of the Sto. Nino! “Whoever becomes lowly like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven and whoever receives such child in my name receives me. It’s easy to please a kid. A balloon or ice cream cone is enough to make a child happy. And he won’t stop until he gets what he knows will make him happy. Watch or play with kids today. Let them remind you of life’s simple joys and show you where to find them. Let them inspire you to know and follow the True Source of Joy.

~January 17, 2005~

“No one puts new wine into old wineskins for the wine would burst the skins, and then both the wine and the skins would be lost.” Taking our Christian life seriously won’t let us live peaceful, easy lives. Rather, it will shake and disturb us. Why? Because welcoming Jesus into our lives necessarily invites conversion. Jesus challenges our set ways. He’ll ask us to leave our comfort zones if we want a new and better life. Now we know what it means when we say, “Jesus rocks!”

~January 18, 2005~

The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath (Mk 2:28). Jesus responds to the people who react when his disciples do what isn’t allowed on the sacred day. In our effort to be “holy” or “religious” we sometimes do the opposite. We get stuck with rules and forget the practical reasons behind the rules. The heart of the law is the law of the heart. Jesus shows us the premium in charity and compassion when he allows the starving men to “work” on the Sabbath by picking grains to eat!

~January 19, 2005~

Many of us want to pray, but we often find ourselves in situations, which prevent us from praying. Or we find reasons not pray. How do we pray then? The answer is simple: PRAY. As we thank the Lord for planting in us the desire to spend time with Him, let’s strive to put that desire into action. Be still and stay in God’s quiet, loving presence, allowing words and thoughts to flow freely from your heart. Do this again tomorrow and the next day and the next…

~February 1, 2005~

The images of the dead, dying and suffering in the tsunami-stricken areas continue to move and disturb us. We ask how all these will end and what future lies ahead for the victims. This invites us to hope. To trust that while we do our part in rebuilding lives, God is doing so much more. From a song:
Even if there is pain now
Everything will be all right
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day Can you hear me
There’s a rainbow always after the rain.

~February 2, 2005~

Today is the feast day of the Purification of Our Lady and the presentation of the Lord in the temple. In the past, this was called Christmas. People went to church to have candles blessed. Let’s reflect on the image of light. As Christians, we’re called to be light to the world, to be the warm glow amid the darkness. We serve as lamps, leading others to safe, sure paths. No storm or wind can put us out as we take our light from the one Great Source whose light always warms and welcomes.

~February 3, 2005~

When Mother Teresa was still alive, a visitor once asked her for some relics as a holy souvenir. She simply told the person: Leave your own relics! Mother Teresa has a good point. We usually look for objects -- the holy outside of us. We forget we’re holy channels. We are, in fact, temples of the Holy Spirit! The kind words we say and good acts we do make others feel God’s presence in their lives. They point to Goodness beyond ours. What “relics” can you leave today?

~February 4, 2005~

In this first Friday of the Sacred Heart and this month of Hearts, let’s go back to the Heart of Jesus. Imagine your special place in His heart. When you love someone, you can do everything just to see him/her happy. You forget yourself and only remember the one you love. You bear the hurt/pain, and forgive and accept. Let this be your heart’s prayer: I seek to dwell in the heart of the Lord all the days of my life, and that the Lord will dwell in my heart all the days of my life!

~February 5, 2005~

When you review the events of your life as though they were passing in front of you, you will see one thing: He is AFTER YOU. Pause awhile: How does this strike you? God has always been behind you in your joys and pains, ups and downs. He has quietly, lovingly joined you in your journey, letting you choose your path yet standing by and watching. God is after you. He has always pursued you in all these years, faithfully following, trying to get your attention, always calling you to come home.

~February 6, 2005~

“You are the light of the world.. Your light must shine before others, so that they may see the good you do and praise your Father in heaven.” How has your light bearing and light giving been? What has been the quality of your light? Have people passing your way seen God’s face in your life’s glow? You’ve just ended the first month of the year, your attempts at new beginnings. Be thankful and be hopeful. The life you live is the light you leave the world!

~February 7, 2005~

Good day! As you begin your routine, try to do the little prayer exercise that Fr. De Mello often taught: “Behold God holding you… and smiling.” Quietly do this in your room or prayer space. Let the morning stillness fill you and lead you to the stillness of God’s loving embrace. Stay there. We sometimes get tired – even at prayer – because we try too hard and do things our way. The Lord assures: “I love you just the way you are!” Just stay with Him!

~February 8, 2005~

You are God’s precious one. He holds you in the palm of His hands, carrying you close to His heart. How often do you realize this in your life? When you view your life, realize how one Guiding Hand has always been present and active – leading you to safe and sure paths, offering shelter from the elements. “God loves you with an everlasting love.” Spend the day filled with and assured by God’s love. Let God’s love flow into the people you will meet today.

~February 9, 2005~

Lent begins today with the imposition of ashes. Make today a prayerful experience as you reflect on the powerful symbol of the ashes on your forehead. The ashes remind us of our earthly lives. No matter how talented or powerful we are, we all will come to an end and return to the ground. We are confronted with our vulnerability. We are nothing. In God’s presence, we cannot lay claim to anything. We are humbled. We can only fall on our knees before God.

~February 10, 2005~

In the Gospel today, Jesus tells us: “If you wish to be a follower of mine, deny yourself and take up your cross each day and follow me.” (Lk 9:23) How does that sound to you? Demanding and forceful? There is always both a strength and a gentleness in Jesus’ words. Discipleship, or a relationship with Jesus, entails much giving up and giving away – of our self centered ways. But He waits for us to respond freely, not pushing us but inviting. Stop and listen!

~February 11, 2005~

Happy feast f Our Lady of Lourdes! Lourdes is one of the world’s most visited shrines; famous for its springs that have lead to many cures and miracles. It’s interesting to note that even in winter, the shrine’s springs never freeze. The waters keep flowing in the taps, greeting pilgrims from far and wide. Never giving a chilly bath. Faith’s like that too. Even in our lives’ cold winters, it’s an ever-gushing wellspring that sustains us and gives us life and hope.

~February 12, 2005~

We sometime have a tendency to stay away from “bad” people. We are afraid they will infect or influence us. Thus, we choose to live an antiseptic life. But Jesus reminds us today: “Healthy people don’t need a doctor, but sick people do. I have come to call.. sinners, not the righteous.” Let Jesus’ words touch your heart. Who are the people in your life whom you need to pay more attention to? Who are those whom you are called to help heal?

~February 13, 2005~

Today is the first Sunday of Lent. The season of Lent invites us to a desert experience. As we remember the passion and death of Jesus, we are asked to enter into moments of prayerful solitude. Recall the points in your life when you felt dry and wasted, parched and desolated, and let these bring you to your heart’s many hungers. Deserts are times and places we can be thankful for. They make us seek and appreciate most earnestly even raindrops of God’s grace!

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

Only an hour left before the "year" ends...

In preparation for the Chinese New Year, I had my hair cut (nagmukha na naman akong mushroom), bought some fruits and made my wish list for the coming year.

All I have to do next is to sit back and let Him do the rest.

Happy new year every one! :) God bless us all.

~~~

I have a new CD – MAHAL KONG RADYO (MKR) by The Company. I was really looking for Kitchie Nadal’s album, kaya lang siyempre out of stock na – not surprising though.

From the MKR album, I got this:



Very sweet… Hopeless na yata talaga ito... :)

Magiging all-time theme song ko ito, promise :)

Inspiration

From Sun Cellular Inspiration (2346):

~January 10, 2005~

“Lord, what is it that you want me to do for you?” When we ask this question, we don’t really expect an immediate answer. We can only ask again and again in prayer and listen to God speaking in our hearts for the answer. We can also look at our lives. What makes my heart burn? What gives me peace?

Someone said: the point where our heart’s deepest desires and the world’s greatest needs meet is where God is showing His will for us.

See where God’s finger is pointing.

~January 11, 2005~

Not much is known about St. Joseph except that he was a carpenter, Mary’s husband and Jesus’ foster dad.

He was about to divorce Mary when the angel appeared to him in a dream. He stood by Mother and Child and took them to safety. Joseph was a silent character with a great role. He was a source of strength for the family.

No wonder many people consider him a good intercessor and spiritual guide. How can you be a Joseph to others – silent yet a source of strength?

~January 12, 2005~

Before the Chosen people entered the Promised Land they journeyed long and far in the desert. There they endure hunger, thirst, sickness, and despair even questioning God at some point. We can identify with the Israelites in their desert experience. We too face hard and troubling times that test our faith.

It’s good to remember that God accompanies us all in our period of self-discovery and growth. He leads us by the hand into the joy of our Promised Lands

~January 13, 2005~

In Jesus’ time people avoided lepers for fear of being made unclean. A certain physical distance was always maintained when lepers were around.

In today’s Gospel, Jesus stretches out his hand to a leper AND also cures him! Jesus is moved with pity and does something concrete for someone in need.

Ask the Lord to make you more aware of your parts that have grown unfeeling and unresponsive to other people and to Him. Beg Him to touch you and make you clean!

~January 14, 2005~

In the Gospels, sickness is seen as an outward sign of the state of one’s soul. In curing the sick, Jesus tells them that their sins are forgiven.

When you look at your life now, what ails or afflicts you? What blinds, cripples or paralyzes you, especially from within? (Maybe some bad habits or some fears?)

Hear Jesus’ consoling, healing words: “My child, your sins are forgiven.” Jesus even offers to restore you to wellness of body and spirit. Let Him heal you.

~January 15, 2005~

God speaks to us in the silence of our hearts. As you move through the day and end the week, find time to be still.

Spend a few moments relishing the quiet yet active presence of God in your life. Be aware of how God has been part of each moment these past days. Recall the times, which speak to you of God.
Lord, many times, you went to quite places to be with the Father. Maybe this is why you always had the energy to do many things for others. Teach me to be like you.

Aura

Arlene's accusing me and toot-toot of being mangagayas.

Panindigan na natin ha? I got this quiz from her site.



Your aura shines Blue!

What Color Is Your Aura?
brought to you by Quizilla


Yesterday, nung sinagutan ko ito, sabi red daw aura ko tapos when I answered it again this afternoon naging blue na. Nag-iiba ba ang color ang aura? Nagtatanong lang.

Anyway, I got this definition of aura from Spirit Speaks:

Description of the Aura

The description of the word aura means atmosphere of multi-coloured light called "aureola" and the human aura is a multi-layered energy field that is primarily generated by the spiritual chakra energy centres, which reside within all spirit and what has been the perceived halo effect around the head is called the "numbus", also a small part of the aura is made up by electromagnetic energies that are generated by atoms within matter that give off a small energy field. The aura reflects moods, personality and traits, emotions, general well-being, spiritual abilities and evolution and is made up of several layers or bodies reflecting and relating to different chakra and aspects of our spiritual and material life and nature. For those who can psychically view the aura, it can be seen to visibly brighten and change when for instance we are addressing others, or in some way pulling on the resources of our spirit such as in spiritual healing or meditation or in other activities, as well as in normal daily events of our life.

For more information on aura visit their very informative site here.

A not so important entry

May sasabihin akong hindi importante.

Situation # 1:
Months ago, I promised my cousin that I would give her some money to buy something. She made me promised that by December mabibigay ko na. Unfortunately, due to some unforeseen circumstances naging installment. I gave her (another) partial amount last week though my mom. When I saw her last weekend, she did not mention anything to me, actually she did not say anything to me, not even a small hi. I asked my mom kung nabigay na niya yung partial amount she said "yes" naman.

Situation # 2:
My boss usually ask me to do something for him. I would gladly do anything for him and he knows it. Kaya lang, instead of saying thank you, masisisi or masisigawan ka pa kung mali yung ginawa mo.

What’s the point?

Nothing. I know for a fact that real giving means expecting nothing in return. Forgive me for saying this, but deep inside me I was expecting for something from them. I was expecting that they would say “thank you”. A simple thank you would do.

It seems that these two words are slowly being eaten up by the fast-changing world and I, being a “manang” – as termed by my mom, cannot cope up.

Sayang noh? For me kasi, a sincere thank you means a lot.

It means:
“I appreciate you”
“I am grateful”
“I recognize your effort”
and many more.

Siguro matandain lang talaga ako.. an old-fashion and weird toddler inside a woman’s body. Or maybe, I haven’t reached the maturity stage where I know the real meaning of giving noh?

I go for the second theory. Or whatever :-/ basta.

O let's move on. Next entry please…

Stairway to where?

Gosh! Tapos na pala ang January. Imagine 31 days na ang nakakalipas sa taong 2005. Ano ba ang nangyari na sa'kin? Nothing much except that I found some fruitful things to do every weekend - besides pestering my cute and cuddly brothers and cousins (ages 4-24) and waiting/hoping he would come back. Ganun lang ang buhay ko. Kasi during weekdays naman I go to work eight hours a day. I enjoy my work, as in. In one-way or another, it gives me reason to get out of bed every morning.

Basta!

Anyway, I still have 334 days to look forward to before the year ends (again). I hope I can do something that is in line with my purpose/shape - though I still have no idea what it is :). So, help me God.

When you believe

Many nights we prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hope for a song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know theres much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could whoa yes

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now Im standing here
My hearts so full, I cant explain
Seeking faith and speakin words
I never thought Id say

They don't always happen when you ask
And its easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near, oh

Kung puwede lang…

I was able to have a conversation with him last night through text messaging.
We talked about a lot of things.

God! I miss him so much! If only I could tell him how much I love him

~~~

Kung pwede ko lang sabihin na “mahal na mahal kita, pwedeng mahalin mo rin ako?” nagawa ko na. Pero siyempre, ndi ko sinabi. Nahihiya ako :) – yup! Marunong na ulit ako mahiya :)

Hindi na

by: The Company

Lobster

Friends
The One With The Prom Video
Episode 2.14

First gap: Ross is getting frustrated with his “supposed-to-be” relationship with Rachel

Phoebe: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
Ross: What? Okay, now how do you know that?
Phoebe: Because she's your lobster.
Chandler: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Phoebe: Come on, you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, you know, holding claws like...

~~~

Unknown Life of Lobsters: Sex, Robots, and Beyond
Sean Markey
National Geographic News
August 24, 2004

[...] Female lobsters only mate right after they shed their shell. So by moving in with him, they're getting protection from this dominant male in their most vulnerable moment.

So they shed their shell, and this beautiful copulatory event occurs. The details are probably too racy for nationalgeographic.com.

Then they have this bond for about ten days to two weeks. She lives with him until her shell hardens up again, and then she moves out. That's it. It's done.

Except that there's a new female waiting on the doorstep. So all the females of the neighborhood create this sisterhood, and they take turns mating with that one dominant male.

The scientists I write about came up with a name for this—it's also evidenced in other kinds of creatures. It's called serial monogamy. Unfortunately, the beta males in the neighborhood don't get any action.

Senseless rambling

I envy him.
I envy him for being a happy soul while I’m still trying to find my way out of this pit.
I envy him for being at peace while I’m still trying to put my self to sleep every night.
I envy him for moving on so fast while I’m still trying to drag my self from despair.

I envy them.

~~~

I once read that you never really grow up; you just learn how to act in public (unknown).

I have my own version. Let me share it to you. Don’t think that the pain or suffering of a person fades or vanishes through time, he/she just learn how to act in public.

I know. I keep on saying that every thing would be all right. I keep on convincing myself that I’ll be ok in time. But I’m still here. I’m back to where I’ve started.

I wish my second mind would just leave. Because after the hellish process of convincing my first mind that He is really gone, my second mind would butt-in and tell me that probably there is still hope. I wish she would just leave me alone and let me wallow now than suffer more in the future.

I wish I could forget everything.

I wish God would bless me with more patience.

Whisper

From the movie Practical Magic:



Sally: (V.O.)

[...] Sometimes I feel there's a hole inside me an emptiness that, at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, probably you could hear the ocean [...] I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still, sometimes when the wind is warm or the crickets sing I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but there is no man [...]

Sad

naramdaman mo na yung literal na unti-unting bumibigat ang balikat mo pero wala ka naman binubuhat?

nararamdaman ko yun ngayon.

everybody's acting as if they own my time.

si sir, feeling yata eh stock room ako na pwedeng hingan ng mga supplies. -- ayaw niya magrequest ng kanya.

si papa, may pinapa-email. nangungulit. matigil na lang, sinabi ko na na OPO na-email ko na. demanding, nasabihan ko na na marami ako ginagawa, sana daw iprioritize ko yung sinasabi niya. kasi daw mas importante daw yun.

si mama, may inuutos din, nagpapa-email din, mali naman ang address. nabigay na niya ang tamang address pero ndi ko pa ulit nasesend.

si ma'am, palibhasa walang ginawa kung hindi mag-utos, feeling niya, wala ako ginagawa. siya pagod na pagod.. sa kauutos.

si EM, dami din utos, buti na lang, ndi masyado urgent. pwede pa bukas.

si PS, dadating na bukas, ndi ko pa rin nagagawa mga pinagagawa niya kasi inuna ko si Dr. EM.

Pun**ta! ano ba tingin nila sakin?!

pagod na po si jing-jing. very tired. wala man lang... hug. nobody cares.

me sad :(

Arlene and her blog day (anu ba yun?!)

Good news:
Arlene's phone is now in a considerably ‘good’ condition - thank you very much :)

~~~

As I was browsing her blog, I saw this entry. And I couldn’t help but give my two cents worth on the poem “Debt”.

Comment:
Call me selfish but I would rather be with someone who loves me than be with someone who doesn’t.

~~~

From her blog entry today, I took the same test and the result is:

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

A very unusual song

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)
Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked…. You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Playing with cats

Playing with cats
Posted by: canticles.

i'm trying this thing between blogger and buzznet...

First post for the year 2005

There is something wrong with my net connection. Before kasi I can open blogdrive.com BUT NOT livejournal.com and postmark.net. Now, I cannot access blogdrive.com BUT I can browse and post naman sa livejournal.com and postmark.net. Hay naku… weird. Hindi ko na tuloy mabibisita si ****. Hay…

~~~

Anyway, since I can now open my livejournal account, I browsed and found this:

Guada Gurl ( guada_gurl) wrote,@ 2004-02-24 18:51:00

Current mood: accomplished
Current music: i'll never get over you (getting over me) -- exposé

for you, arlene... (forwarded mail)

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

A year ago, this was meant for Arlene. This year the message is for me.

~~~

I cannot understand nor can I comprehend what your plans are, my Lord. I am like an ant in Michael Angelo’s masterpiece; I can only guess where I am right now. All I can do is to hold on to your promises of a grander and more majestic plan.

Thank you very much for giving a very tight and comforting hug last weekened. Thank you for loving me that much. Don't ever get tired of me...

In Your Darkest Hour

by: Mark Lopez & Paulo Tirol

In your darkest hour, did you see Me?
In your deepest sorrow, did you feel My comfort?
In your loneliness, did you take My outstretched Hand?
Your darkness is Mine too, and your sorrows I do share,
In your brokenness, My child, I am there.

In your time of pain, I embraced you,
Soothed your wounded spirit, whispered words of courage,
Led you by the hand when you knew not where to go.
For your darkness is Mine too, and your sorrows I do share,
In your brokenness, My child, I am there.

And My Hand shall never leave you.
You are Mine, My child.
Cast your load upon Me and rest your weary heart.
As is now and will always be: I am there.
And My Light shall never fail you.
You are Mine, My child.
I bring you a new day to renew your life and hope.
May you always remember, My child, I am there,

That in your darkest hour, you will see Me.
In your deepest sorrow, you will feel My comfort.
In your loneliness, you will take My outstretched Hand.
For your darkness is Mine too, and your sorrows I do share,
My child, I am ever there.

When again that hour comes,
When again the night sets in,
I am ever there, My child, and the dawn again I'll bring!

There are times when life tests us, when it seems as if we are desperately lost. And yet, we recall the Eucharistic Prayer that consoles us: "…when we were lost and could not find our way to You, You loved us more than ever."

In this composition by Mark Lopez and Paulo Tirol, we hear the words of a comforting Father who sustains us with His love. He is close to us when we cannot find our way, sharing in our sorrow and in our pain, lovingly waiting for us to see His guiding hand.

After Christmas blues

Arlene hates me. I accidentally dropped her cell phone in a basin full of water :( of course it’s not working. But it was really an accident :( promise…

~~~

Wishes

Ø Birthday wish (December 12, 2004): --
Ø Wishing fountain (November 25, 2004, Eastwood): --
Ø Falling star (December 23, 2004): --
Ø A kiss from a yellow butterfly (December 14, 2004): --
Ø 9-morning masses (December 16 – 23, 2004): I did not complete this. I tried so hard to wake up every morning since the simbang gabi started but on the 9th day, I did not wake up. I cried but I was assured that “God will do the rest” naman.

~~~

Dear you: Hi. Can I ask you a favor? I know for you this is very trivial but can you please, please ask her to stop sending me text messages. I don’t know if you will ever understand why I’m asking you this, pero kung hindi man, nakikiusap at nagmamakaawa ako na huwag niyo na naman akong i-text, please… alam mo naman na hanggang ngayon ay mahal na mahal pa rin kita. Higit pa sa buhay ko. I know her intentions are well but every time kasi na nakakareceive ako ng message from either of you, the world that I am building crumbles down into pieces again. I have no plans of bothering you. Wala kong balak mang-gulo. It’s just that sobrang nahihirapan lang talaga ako. Sobrang hirap na hirap in forgetting you. If only I could teach my heart to stop loving you nagawa ko na. Kaya lang matagal ang processing ng puso ko. I am not angry with you or her. Probably time will come when I can talk to you again pero wag nyo naman akong pilitin na ngayon. Kasi kung ngayon, magmamakaawa lang ulit ako na mahalin mo ako. You see I have to cope up dun sa memories that keep on hunting me. Everything reminds me of you. Tapos dadagdagan nyo pa, baka hindi ko na kayanin. I was begging Him yesterday to please get me na. Hindi ko lang alam kung matutupad yun. But I was really begging Him. Hindi ko na alam dapat isipin. I’m back to hell again -- sleepless nights and all.

My friend told me that we now live in two very different seasons, you being in the summer season and me in the winter. I have not yet seen the end of this very very cold night. I only have my family, friends and Him to light and comfort me in this darkness. Don’t be the wind that blows the light off my candle. Please…

Mood: depressed and weepy and sad and lonely and lost and...

Angels who remembered

Below are the angels who took time to greet me :) during my so-called birthday. They were the ones who lifted me to my feet when I had trouble remembering how to fly:

• Cons: Gud am! Habrday 2 u, habrday, habrday, habrday 2 u! Hehehe wel hope ud hav a wonderful day! :) See us soon! Love u! Mwaah! (11-Dec-04 07:53am)
• Kris: Hapi bertdey guading! :) (11-Dec-04 03:27pm)
• Arlene: […] countdown na, 25 k n wyl im 24 still! :) (11-Dec-04 04:43pm)
• Maciel: Me 2! Super me ng enjoy! M so hapi coz we celebrated ur bday & r frndshp. So frm now on dpt we regularly c each othr evry mo, atlist. Thanks best friend! :) (11-Dec-04 08:19pm)
• Kris: […] Hehe. Bukas pa nga, hapi bertday n rn mamya! (11-Dec-04 10:08pm)
• […] 9110439: Happy 25th Birthday!!! (11-Dec-04 11:47pm)
• Arlene: Hapi hapi hapi bertdey!!! Mmmwah! (12-Dec-04 12:18am)
• Maciel: Happy birthday my dearest bestfriend! M stl awake. Jaz watched brkfst @ tfnys. :) Love u bestfriend!! (12-Dec-04 2:18am)

Maciel called me at round 2:22am (12-Dec-04)

• Maciel: Sweet dreams! Njoy ur day, n a fw hrs u cn clbr8 it w/ ur fmly. God Bless. (12-Dec-04 2:28am)
• Emily: Happy birthday!!! ;o mwahz (12-Dec-04 06:07pm)
  Cons: Gud am! Habrday 2 u, habrday, habrday, habrday 2 u! Hehehe ngayn tama n. Hav a wonderful day! Mwaah! :) (12-Dec-04 06:44pm)
• Jeff: Happy b-day we love you muahhh…. (12-Dec-04 07:30am)
• Kathy: Happy Birthday! (12-Dec-04 08:15am)
• Lenen: Happy birthday. Wel talk soon. I mis u (12-Dec-04 09:09am)
• Gello: Happy b day ate happy b day 2 u happy b day 2 u I love u. (12-Dec-04 09:10am)
• Ms. Tats: Hi guada, hapi hapi bday :) may all your birthday wishes come true. Enjoy d day (12-Dec-04 10:12am) – me, baby and ronald
• Tess A: Happy birthday!!! (12-Dec-04 10:14am) – me and mike
• She: Hapi bday my friend! Enjoy ur bday! May u find d true luv n happiness in a person hu truly luvs u! hapi bday! :) (12-Dec-04 10:35am)
• Ms. Wena: Happy birthday :) (12-Dec-04 10:37am)
• Tito Dan: Gud am, Happy b-day. (12-Dec-04 11:03am)
• Ate Baby: Hapi-bday! (12-Dec-04 12:57am)
• Hazel: Guads hapi bday… miss u. (12-Dec-04 1:14pm)
• Nangni Bing: Guada inaanak happy happy birthday po! May ur special day b a most blessed day. :) Enjoy po! :) God loves us :) (12-Dec-04 1:28pm)
• Tess Z (all the way from Singapore): Hapi bday girl! Wish u happiness and peace of mind. :) (12-Dec-04 4:24pm)
• Cha: happy, happy, happy birthday! :) God bless you always! Miss u na. Mwahz! :) (12-Dec-04 5:44pm)
• Weng: Hi girl, I won’t let d day end w/o greeting u. Here’s a wish dat u b happier and more blessed… happy birthday, my dear friend! :) (12-Dec-04 6:18pm)
• Gian: ate, hapi bday.. (12-Dec-04 6:41pm)
• Loids: Even without seeing you, even without saying a word, even without sending messages, I never fail to remember you. Wish you happiness. Happy birthday Guads! (12-Dec-04 21:48pm)

Maciel took the time to ask how my birthday was :)

• Michelle: hi, Ms. Guadz! I juz want 2 grit u a hapy bday. Alwz tkcre. God bles nd gudnyt. (12-Dec-04 11:21pm)
• Ice: Ate guada, hapi hapi birthday! Sana umapaw pa ang kaligayahan at kagandahan mo ngayon taon, at sa mga susunod pa! :) ingat ka lagi. (12-Dec-04 11:27pm)
• Mej: hi! Partner! Hapi bday 2u! more 2 come.. mis u! God bless. (12-Dec-04 11:47pm)
• Ate Vic: Bl8d hapi bday, guadidie! (13-Dec-04 08:27am)
• Jaike: (picture of an angel) m ur Angel Fairy! I’ll b d fairy 2 pray dat ur wishes do come true. Hapi birtdey :) mwaahh. God bless u. (13-Dec-04 06:11pm)
• Mila: 2day I wish u a day of miracles, a day of little things to smyl about; I wish a day of happiness, with peace and love in ur heart. HAPPY BDAY, girl! Mwah! (15-Dec-04 10:28pm)

~~~

Message for the day:

As you start a new day, look at the world around you. Fill your heart with gladness and your mind with thoughts that are life giving. As you celebrate Sunday, dwell on how you’ve experienced God’s faithfulness in your life. Celebrate His faithfulness by filling your heart with songs and by letting your spirit sing of God!

~~~

I did not want this day to come – in fact it frightens me. I was hoping that when I sleep on the 11th I would just wake up on the 13th na. Of course it did not happen. I still woke up on the 12th BUT I had fun with my friends and my family. They were there for me and I am very thankful for having them.

~~~

Today is Papa's 50th birthday!

Dear God, please grant him and mama good health and long life. Thank you very much! Mwa!

Swollen cheek

My right cheek is swollen.

Please note that the linking verb I used in the above sentence is in its present form. Meaning until now, it is still swollen.

Who’s the culprit?

My dentist and her friend dentist.

Last week my dentist prescribed that my impaction be surgically removed.

Dental impaction: Teeth pressing together. For example, molar teeth (the large teeth in the back of the jaw) can be impacted, cause pain and require pain medication, antibiotics, and surgical removal.

So, trusting that she knows what she’s doing, I gave her the go signal to contact her friend dentist to execute the operation.

Saturday: for two hours – without rest – friend dentist worked on/in (whatever) my mouth to be able to remove the hidden teeth. I can feel my mouth being stretched to its limit and being harassed at the same time. grrrr!

Sunday: Mama and Papa woke me up early to attend mass with them. I readily got out of bed kaya lang my teeth/gums hurt so much that, as silly as it may seem, I cried in front of the mirror – feeling ko kasi, hindi na babalik yung dating size ng cheeks ko :( Of course now I know how silly the crying part was but what can I do? My very vain brain always work over time during weekends. :)

Anyway, I went back to bed missing (again – good grief! – sigh) the 2nd Sunday of Advent’s mass :(

~~~

Yesterday was Tzie's birthday. I think she's 22 years old na if I’m not mistaken. I sent her a text message to greet her a very happy birthday :)

Advent season

Sad me.

I suddenly remember that last Sunday was the First Sunday of Advent and I wasn’t able to hear the mass.

Hay… I’m a very lousy catholic :(

Of giggling, finding and clotting

For the past few days, Arlene has been complaining about my “hyper-ness” :) I couldn’t seem to stop myself from talking and giggling about almost everything! – scary huh? – Oh well, let’s just hope (for the sake of those people around me :) that when this talking and giggling stage ends, I can still smile.

~~~

I usually buy book based on the urge level that I feel while holding it inside the bookstore. I have been planning to buy Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho for the longest time now and yet I couldn’t seem to find the “strong urge” to be able to do so.

However, on a whim, I bought the book last Friday and it straightaway becomes one of the most beautiful literary pieces I have ever read.

The Universe allowed me to read this book just now for the proper understanding of a lot of things. The hope, that someday I will find the right one, is still very much alive. But when that time comes, I pray to be reminded that I do not and cannot own anybody. I can only love and allow it to overflow for the other person to experience.

Nevertheless the finding of one’s self must start now.

~~~

Wazzup newsflash (corni :)

The blood is, at present, coordinating and actively participating (I hope) in an activity initiated by the brain, the clotting process – the first stage of healing :)

Hopeless :)

Fate, that what will get you together, some where
you weren't planing to go, some thing you
didn't want to do but some thing told you to do
so, and here they are, standing in front of
you, you know you will find the perfect match
one day, just trust your feelings and it will
lead you where they are.


Where will you find love?
brought to you by Quizilla

100 things about me

1. I am a couch potato to the bones.
2. I am the eldest and the only daughter in a brood of three.
3. I celebrate my birthday on the 12th day of the 12th month.
4. A black sheep Sagittarian.
5. I love sunrise. I don’t like sunset.
6. I love bright colors like red, blue and yellow (primary colors)
7. I read a lot.
8. I collect books – especially children’s books.
9. I rarely remember my dreams.
10. I am near-sighted and I have astigmatism.
11. I love sweets.
12. I am a chocolate lover.
13. I love cheese.
14. I don’t believe in love at first sight.
15. I collect perfumes (though I only have few) but don't wear them.
16. I am a forgetful person.
17. I was operated for having a ruptured ovarian cyst (ok now, no need to panic)
18. I don’t like deep swimming pools – water above 5.3 feet scares me.
19. I have a big brown mole on the second line of my right middle finger.
20. I love stars.
21. My idea of a romantic night is gazing at the stars with my beloved.
22. I used to take up piano and guitar lessons.
23. But I do not know how to play any of them now.
24. I am very frugal.
25. I don’t like hard-core science fiction (if there is such a term).
26. I own a M100 Palm Pilot (I know! a stone age gadget nevertheless I love it)
27. I am a palm person.
28. I like singing – a lot but it doesn’t like me.
29. I am not fond of bar hoping.
30. I love taking pictures.
31. I have been to Cebu.
32. I love watching TV.
33. People usually say I am “mataray” looking.
34. Especially when I am not smiling.
35. I am very shy and easily embarrassed.
36. I am a Filipino.
37. Frustrated dancer.
38. I smile a lot :)
39. I stick my tongue out whenever I’m embarrassed.
40. I love pillows. I have 9 (different sizes and shapes) on my bed right now.
41. I am from UPLB and very proud of it.
42. I love Los Baños. Someday, I would like to live there with my family.
43. My parents love me so much.
44. And I love them as much.
45. I am a Roman Catholic.
46. I love watching movies.
47. I hate horror (in any form) – books, movies, TV show, etc.
48. My feet size ranges from 7 to 7.5 to 8.
49. I wear eyeglasses.
50. I love biology and chemistry and mathematics. I hate physics and computer science.
51. I love the smell of freshly mowed grass.
52. I don't think I have any special talents.
53. I dream of having a digital camera and a laptop.
54. I would like to become a photographer.
55. I dream of being a pre-school teacher someday.
56. I like wearing comfy clothes and shoes.
57. I am a huge fan of “Beauty and the Beast” (Disney).
58. I collect them.
59. I love Belle, Ariel, Jasmine and Mulan and hate Cinderella and Snow White (so girly).
60. I love donuts and brownies.
61. I am a pack rat.
62. I treasure every gift I received (90% of them anyway)
63. I hate earthworms. I’d die just seeing them. I like frogs. I hate rats.
64. I love the rain.
65. But I don’t want my feet to get wet and dirty whenever it does.
66. I love my “Inay” so much.
67. And also my brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles.
68. I don't smoke.
69. I hardly drink alcoholic stuff either.
70. I prefer McDonald to Jollibee.
71. I talk to my self a lot.
72. I love yellow butterfly/ies. They represent something beautiful to me (and I heard they’re lucky).
73. I am a control freak.
74. I am a worrier.
75. I have a large, humongous, big hand. Well… that is bigger than most girls’.
76. People close to me regard me as “makulit”. Super!
77. I am quite stubborn. Ok! Ok! Super stubborn.
78. I get cold easily.
79. I am a sleeper and a napper.
80. I am 60% OC.
81. I like everything in order or else I will not be able to work.
82. A pizza monster, an ice cream monster and a cookie monster.
83. A certified coffee addict.
84. Brewed and espresso please.
85. I love walking but I seldom run.
86. I enjoy browsing through supermarket shelves.
87. My favorite Sweet Dreams books are PS I love you and Wrong Way Romance.
88. I have tons of stuff under my bed.
89. I like gerbera better than any other flowers.
90. I like ironing my clothes. It gives me the chance to reflect and daydream.
91. I like traveling and seeing places.
92. Fan of folk songs of the 60’s and the 70’s – they are the oldies but goodies.
93. A big fan of Ally McBeal, Gilmore Girls and Charmed.
94. Loves making scrapbook.
95. A special kid – slow in learning almost everything…
96. I like being hugged and being kissed always.
97. I love God.
98. And I want to be in love with Him for eternity.
99. I like making memories.
100. And keeping them in my heart.

In short...boring

You Are the Reformer

1 You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

What number are you?

How come it's so hard to post test results? It took me at least 20 mins to get this thing done. Gosh!

Giving up in a battle I can't win

Wala na po, I give up. As much as I want to fight You for Your decision to separate us, I can’t. I have no power against You. All I want and can do right now is to concede and accept defeat. You promised that You would take care of me. That is the only thing that keeps me going these days. I hope and pray that you will not disappoint me. Please take care of him. Give him all the best things in life. Mahal na mahal ko po yun – mahal na mahal na mahal. I know You can read me and can see through me – I’m angry and hurt. But what can I do? Nothing. I can only hold on to You. Just please don’t ever leave my side… I need You more now. Hug me always. I love You so much. And still, I thank You for everything.

Often we stand at life's crossroads and view what we think is the end. But God has much bigger vision and He tells us.... "Relax, my child it's only a bend."

Me: perfect example

gul·li·ble [ gúll?b’l ]

definition:
(adjective)

easily duped: tending to trust and believe people, and therefore easily tricked or deceived; too willing to believe everything that other people say

Operation: social life

Besides short term memory loss, feeling ko nabo-bobo na ako :( hay… I really have to find ways to keep myself busy and sane these days or else baka makita na lang ako sa may plaza namin in SPC carrying a pussy cat and tons of plastic bags – in short luka-luka.

It’s a pity at the same time relieving to think that I did not enroll this semester for the subject, Econometrics. J and I had been exchanging text messages since the last week of October. He was convincing me to enroll this semester. Unfortunately I did not prepare for it at the same time I was planning to enroll next semester at UPOU (I hope this one pushes through). Kaya yun, I begged off. We just agreed to meet one weekend para ibigay sa kanya ang mga “importanteng dokumento”.

I have to put a start on my social life again.

To start with, when I go home this weekend, I’ll try to look for the piano teacher, Camille mentioned last Sunday. Frustrated pianist eh… kasi naman what I really want is to dance – as in modern hiphop or jazz thingie kaya lang, I don’t know anybody near who knows how. I guess, I also have to look din noh? If I want something that bad, I have to pursue it.

Piper syndrome

As I watched the supposed to be new season of Charmed last night, which is of course a replay (or is it?), I cannot help but wish that somehow, I could be like Piper – or rather what she had become when she went to the Valhalla Island – unfeeling and as cold as stone.

Dreaded dates:

December 12
December 25
January 1

Of all sh*ts naman, why do these dates have to fall on a weekend. I wish I could just sleep through these days.

"What is the sound of a heart breaking?" -- Karen Kunawicz

(I hope no one sues me for posting this. I found the piece very nice... I can very well empathize)

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.

It’s the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It’s the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "i love yous" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of the waves of the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear.

It’s the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of dying birds getting splattered on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

A heartfelt admission of guilt

After almost 3 months of being apart from my palm, my mama found it last Saturday. And as I was browsing its content, I found this - I saved this before to remind me always of how much he loved me:

To: "Jing"
Subject: :c
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 04:34:39 +0800

hay...nalulungkot ako kagabi same old same old tama ka nga siguro

pero nagpaalam naman ako syo ng maayos na kung pwede ako matulog na kasi nga pagod ako, and i really think i need/deserve some rest kasi nga db may ubo pa rin ako, nung monday, nasa field kami tapos tuesday 9pm na ako umalis ng C******. alam mo naman lahat ng kilos ko db? and i just think na last night ako makakabawi ng rest, tulog, stress pero hindi rin, kasi inaway mo ako pero bad ako, hindi ko na ininda yung pang-aaway mo, actually talagang tired na siguro ako from work, stressed out sobra.

actually di ko na inabutan yung first text mo, nakatulog na din agad ako, bagsak talaga ako eh. and you were too busy thinking that I dropped you like a hot pancake that you didnt see through that im so stressed out.

nung monday naman, yung sinasabi mo na nag internet ako eh alam mo naman yun db, kasi nga sabi ko syo gusto ko din ma-set up ng ayos itong fone, para ma-email ko syo iyong picture mo. i think you know that. sinabi ko pa nga sa’yo na ka-chat ko si arlene, and i think i was just joking with her kung nabanggit ko man na pinatulog na kita.

it's 430 na po, kagigising ko lang. and nabasa ko na lahat ng txts mo nalulungkot ako, yun lang. yoko naman makipag away. hay... kung alam mo lang kasi kung ano nararamdaman ng katawan ko ngayon, pagkagising ko nga kanina, may sinat uli ako eh. kaya gustong gusto kong magbawi ng rest, tapos aawayin mo pa ako :(

as far as i know, hindi naman ako malimit magcomplain sa yo about pag pagod ako, pero pag sinabi ko syo pagod ako, naku tired talaga ako. and alam mo naman recently na sinasabi ko syo na natatakot ako bumigay katawan ko. kasi talagang ganun feeling ko, na any moment bibigay katawan ko. kasi nga madami ginagawa sa cahbriba, tapos itong ubo at sipon ko almost a week na, kaya natatakot talaga ako sana lang po maintindihan mo ako at wag ka na magtampo.

i never loved you less, lets just think that, im just saving my strength so as i can love you more.

~~~

In as much as I don’t want to continue reading, I forced my self to go on. I am feeling shame for my actions. No wonder he got tired of me… I just wish I could take back all the things that I have done wrong and make everything ok. Kaya lang siyempre, it’s already late – very very late – for that.

I know M. that you will not be able to see this, but if ever (if ever lang) you’ll be able to come in contact with this blog, I would like you to know how very sorry I am for my actions and that I still love you and miss you so much. More than you could ever know.

This time I know, I have to be the one to give in and let you go (a very excruciating task) but life must go one for you and probably for me also - one painful day at a time. Basta this time, I just want you to be happy.

Another lonely day

My family and relatives (including all my 14 cousins, 8 uncle and aunts and 1 grandmother) went to the Memorial Park yesterday to celebrate the All Saints’ Day. It was a little bit different from the previous year’s visit. I went to visit Maciel to catch up with her life but the visit was cut short as I need to leave early since PGMA did not declare November 2 as a special non-working holiday. I was not able to see my classmates in high school kasi naman gabi pa sila pumupunta dun. Hay… all in all it was just another lonely day for me.

~~~

Dear Lord,

Please send my love to Lola Baning, Lolo Lope, Lola Lydia, Nanay Bukid, Nanay Goring, Jeric and Lolo Ciano. Please tell them that I miss them so much and that I will never ever forget them. They are always in my prayers.

Hugs,

~~~

I miss him terribly :(