Once is enough

I have been very careful about a lot of things. But I wanted to remember this, so I am going to write it down…

Arlene and I were exchanging files last night. She gave me several episodes of our favorite TV series, including the most recent one of Glee that featured Matt Bomer as Cooper Anderson, the brother of Blaine, and a copy of Adele’s concert at the Royal Albert Hall.

She asked me to listen first to the duet of Cooper and Blaine where they sang Somebody that I used to Know. Lyrics below:

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing

I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger

And that feels so rough

Afterwards, she asked me to listen to Adele’s version of I Can’t Make You Love Me. I was a bit hesitant to listen because the song reminded me so much about myself a few years ago. I told Arlene that I would always feel sad whenever I hear the song. And her response was, “Yeah I know, let us just be glad that we are not there anymore.” 

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed

Turn down these voices inside my head

Lay down with me, tell me no lies

Just hold me close, don't patronize... don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make your heart feel something it won't.

I mean, if someone would give me a chance to live again in another time and in another universe, and would give me the option to have that experience removed from the list of all the things that I experienced, I would definitely choose that it be retained. It helped me grow up. It made me stronger than I ever thought possible. It taught me to be kinder, to be understanding, and to be more loving. But that’s it. I will never choose to experience it the second time, or worse the third. Once is enough for me that whenever Jopet and I would fight, I would always try to remember what happened before and imagine what I could have done to make it better and then I try to make things ok with him. It also helped a lot that Jopet is super kind.

~~~

The other day, while Jopet and I were arguing, I told him that to make things ok, I would break up with him (I was not really serious about this). He paused for a while and then he said that I could not do that. Mejo tumaas ang kilay ko, so I asked, “At bakeeet??!” then he said, “kasi pinag-pray mo ako.” It was my turn to be quiet. Then I laughed. Sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko: “Oo nga.” :)

It was true. I prayed so hard for about half a decade. I waited so long for his arrival that when he came, I was already on the brink of having a heart so bitter and so cold. He was the warmth that melted my heart. He made it so easy to fall in love with him.

~~~

For our 34^th birthday, Jopet took me out on a snack date. He cooked Korean instant noodles, prepared cheese sandwiches, brought two chairs to the rooftop, and then asked me to go up with him to watch the sunset. It was sweet! I never thought he would do that for me. :)

One of his dreams is to see me sitting beside him doing nothing, nothing at all. He would often say that I am a malikot na bata because I cannot sit still for even 10 minutes. This afternoon he got what he wished for. As we watched the birds in the sky, the planes taking off in the nearby airport, the people below us, and the clouds above, I sat there for about 5 minutes doing absolutely nothing but held his hand. :) And I must admit, it felt good.