Super delayed post

November 1, 2006

"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take."

~~~

Below is my email to Arlene on January 25, 2006 at 15:57, which also serves, as my draft last will and testament.

From: Guada
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2006 15:57
To: Arlene
Subject: RE: labadadadadadadadadadada!

sakit lalamunan. mamamatay na.
yung mga books ko pakibigay lahat ke Gello.
yung comforter ko ke baby Carlo (kapatid ni Gello).
yung collection ko ng Beauty and the Beast, pakisabi, wag tatanggalin sa
kwarto ko.
yung mga earings ko and iba pang abubot sa katawan ke Mae-Mae kasi malandi
yun bata pa lang. isama mo na rin ang kokonti kong make-up.
wala ring tutulog sa bed ko.
wala ring gagamit ng mga unan ko (more than 10 yun!) KUNG HINDI mumultuhin ko sila.
yung palm pilot ko ke Gello din.
yung digicam ke Mama.
yung mga damit ko - ndi tatanggapin ng mga pinsan ko yun kasi below their
taste yun. gusto nila malalandi. pakisama na lang sa collection ko ng Beauty and
the Beast.
the VCDs -- mamili ka. the rest will go to Maciel.
audio cds kung me gusto ka, kunin mo na,
yung iba ke Ms. Cha kasi HANGAD yun eh - ndi mo type.
nana.
konti lang pala ang ari-arian ko dito sa mundong ibabaw.
ndi pala ako rich...
ayoko pa mamatay!
magiipon muna ako.

~~~

November 6, 2006

I don’t know if this is just hormones again (I really hope so) but I just feel sad and lonely and depressed.

Ayoko nang gumising sa umaga kasi papasok na naman ako sa office namin. Maghapon na naman akong papagalitan ng boss ko. Since June, hindi siya nagsasawang pagalitan ako ng pagalitan. I know I can do the job that I am tasked to do but there is no drive to do those things any more. Nawala na.

The only thing that brightens my day is the scheduled SFC meeting every Wednesday and Angking Tanglaw’s practices and mass services every Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.

Just yesterday, I was out of the house from 7:30 am to 10:00 pm attending five different meetings in four different venues. Grabe! Ang saya.

Our picture:

Covenant Orientation

~~~

In one of our household meetings, almost all of my ka-household commented that I am so secretive. Ha! Ngayon lang nila napansin. Ako dati pa. And I’m not proud of it. In fact I feel sad about it.

The truth is, I no longer know how to share myself to other people. Lately, there are only two individuals with whom I can tell almost everything, my mother and my former housemate. And I wanted to thank them both for sticking with me and for hearing me out when I feel like sharing.

Right now, I am forcing myself to talk to people again. I have to relearn the art of making friends, most especially the art of sharing one’s self.