Of giggling, finding and clotting

For the past few days, Arlene has been complaining about my “hyper-ness” :) I couldn’t seem to stop myself from talking and giggling about almost everything! – scary huh? – Oh well, let’s just hope (for the sake of those people around me :) that when this talking and giggling stage ends, I can still smile.

~~~

I usually buy book based on the urge level that I feel while holding it inside the bookstore. I have been planning to buy Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho for the longest time now and yet I couldn’t seem to find the “strong urge” to be able to do so.

However, on a whim, I bought the book last Friday and it straightaway becomes one of the most beautiful literary pieces I have ever read.

The Universe allowed me to read this book just now for the proper understanding of a lot of things. The hope, that someday I will find the right one, is still very much alive. But when that time comes, I pray to be reminded that I do not and cannot own anybody. I can only love and allow it to overflow for the other person to experience.

Nevertheless the finding of one’s self must start now.

~~~

Wazzup newsflash (corni :)

The blood is, at present, coordinating and actively participating (I hope) in an activity initiated by the brain, the clotting process – the first stage of healing :)

Hopeless :)

Fate, that what will get you together, some where
you weren't planing to go, some thing you
didn't want to do but some thing told you to do
so, and here they are, standing in front of
you, you know you will find the perfect match
one day, just trust your feelings and it will
lead you where they are.


Where will you find love?
brought to you by Quizilla

100 things about me

1. I am a couch potato to the bones.
2. I am the eldest and the only daughter in a brood of three.
3. I celebrate my birthday on the 12th day of the 12th month.
4. A black sheep Sagittarian.
5. I love sunrise. I don’t like sunset.
6. I love bright colors like red, blue and yellow (primary colors)
7. I read a lot.
8. I collect books – especially children’s books.
9. I rarely remember my dreams.
10. I am near-sighted and I have astigmatism.
11. I love sweets.
12. I am a chocolate lover.
13. I love cheese.
14. I don’t believe in love at first sight.
15. I collect perfumes (though I only have few) but don't wear them.
16. I am a forgetful person.
17. I was operated for having a ruptured ovarian cyst (ok now, no need to panic)
18. I don’t like deep swimming pools – water above 5.3 feet scares me.
19. I have a big brown mole on the second line of my right middle finger.
20. I love stars.
21. My idea of a romantic night is gazing at the stars with my beloved.
22. I used to take up piano and guitar lessons.
23. But I do not know how to play any of them now.
24. I am very frugal.
25. I don’t like hard-core science fiction (if there is such a term).
26. I own a M100 Palm Pilot (I know! a stone age gadget nevertheless I love it)
27. I am a palm person.
28. I like singing – a lot but it doesn’t like me.
29. I am not fond of bar hoping.
30. I love taking pictures.
31. I have been to Cebu.
32. I love watching TV.
33. People usually say I am “mataray” looking.
34. Especially when I am not smiling.
35. I am very shy and easily embarrassed.
36. I am a Filipino.
37. Frustrated dancer.
38. I smile a lot :)
39. I stick my tongue out whenever I’m embarrassed.
40. I love pillows. I have 9 (different sizes and shapes) on my bed right now.
41. I am from UPLB and very proud of it.
42. I love Los Baños. Someday, I would like to live there with my family.
43. My parents love me so much.
44. And I love them as much.
45. I am a Roman Catholic.
46. I love watching movies.
47. I hate horror (in any form) – books, movies, TV show, etc.
48. My feet size ranges from 7 to 7.5 to 8.
49. I wear eyeglasses.
50. I love biology and chemistry and mathematics. I hate physics and computer science.
51. I love the smell of freshly mowed grass.
52. I don't think I have any special talents.
53. I dream of having a digital camera and a laptop.
54. I would like to become a photographer.
55. I dream of being a pre-school teacher someday.
56. I like wearing comfy clothes and shoes.
57. I am a huge fan of “Beauty and the Beast” (Disney).
58. I collect them.
59. I love Belle, Ariel, Jasmine and Mulan and hate Cinderella and Snow White (so girly).
60. I love donuts and brownies.
61. I am a pack rat.
62. I treasure every gift I received (90% of them anyway)
63. I hate earthworms. I’d die just seeing them. I like frogs. I hate rats.
64. I love the rain.
65. But I don’t want my feet to get wet and dirty whenever it does.
66. I love my “Inay” so much.
67. And also my brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles.
68. I don't smoke.
69. I hardly drink alcoholic stuff either.
70. I prefer McDonald to Jollibee.
71. I talk to my self a lot.
72. I love yellow butterfly/ies. They represent something beautiful to me (and I heard they’re lucky).
73. I am a control freak.
74. I am a worrier.
75. I have a large, humongous, big hand. Well… that is bigger than most girls’.
76. People close to me regard me as “makulit”. Super!
77. I am quite stubborn. Ok! Ok! Super stubborn.
78. I get cold easily.
79. I am a sleeper and a napper.
80. I am 60% OC.
81. I like everything in order or else I will not be able to work.
82. A pizza monster, an ice cream monster and a cookie monster.
83. A certified coffee addict.
84. Brewed and espresso please.
85. I love walking but I seldom run.
86. I enjoy browsing through supermarket shelves.
87. My favorite Sweet Dreams books are PS I love you and Wrong Way Romance.
88. I have tons of stuff under my bed.
89. I like gerbera better than any other flowers.
90. I like ironing my clothes. It gives me the chance to reflect and daydream.
91. I like traveling and seeing places.
92. Fan of folk songs of the 60’s and the 70’s – they are the oldies but goodies.
93. A big fan of Ally McBeal, Gilmore Girls and Charmed.
94. Loves making scrapbook.
95. A special kid – slow in learning almost everything…
96. I like being hugged and being kissed always.
97. I love God.
98. And I want to be in love with Him for eternity.
99. I like making memories.
100. And keeping them in my heart.

In short...boring

You Are the Reformer

1 You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

What number are you?

How come it's so hard to post test results? It took me at least 20 mins to get this thing done. Gosh!

Giving up in a battle I can't win

Wala na po, I give up. As much as I want to fight You for Your decision to separate us, I can’t. I have no power against You. All I want and can do right now is to concede and accept defeat. You promised that You would take care of me. That is the only thing that keeps me going these days. I hope and pray that you will not disappoint me. Please take care of him. Give him all the best things in life. Mahal na mahal ko po yun – mahal na mahal na mahal. I know You can read me and can see through me – I’m angry and hurt. But what can I do? Nothing. I can only hold on to You. Just please don’t ever leave my side… I need You more now. Hug me always. I love You so much. And still, I thank You for everything.

Often we stand at life's crossroads and view what we think is the end. But God has much bigger vision and He tells us.... "Relax, my child it's only a bend."

Me: perfect example

gul·li·ble [ gúll?b’l ]

definition:
(adjective)

easily duped: tending to trust and believe people, and therefore easily tricked or deceived; too willing to believe everything that other people say

Operation: social life

Besides short term memory loss, feeling ko nabo-bobo na ako :( hay… I really have to find ways to keep myself busy and sane these days or else baka makita na lang ako sa may plaza namin in SPC carrying a pussy cat and tons of plastic bags – in short luka-luka.

It’s a pity at the same time relieving to think that I did not enroll this semester for the subject, Econometrics. J and I had been exchanging text messages since the last week of October. He was convincing me to enroll this semester. Unfortunately I did not prepare for it at the same time I was planning to enroll next semester at UPOU (I hope this one pushes through). Kaya yun, I begged off. We just agreed to meet one weekend para ibigay sa kanya ang mga “importanteng dokumento”.

I have to put a start on my social life again.

To start with, when I go home this weekend, I’ll try to look for the piano teacher, Camille mentioned last Sunday. Frustrated pianist eh… kasi naman what I really want is to dance – as in modern hiphop or jazz thingie kaya lang, I don’t know anybody near who knows how. I guess, I also have to look din noh? If I want something that bad, I have to pursue it.

Piper syndrome

As I watched the supposed to be new season of Charmed last night, which is of course a replay (or is it?), I cannot help but wish that somehow, I could be like Piper – or rather what she had become when she went to the Valhalla Island – unfeeling and as cold as stone.

Dreaded dates:

December 12
December 25
January 1

Of all sh*ts naman, why do these dates have to fall on a weekend. I wish I could just sleep through these days.

"What is the sound of a heart breaking?" -- Karen Kunawicz

(I hope no one sues me for posting this. I found the piece very nice... I can very well empathize)

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.

It’s the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It’s the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "i love yous" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of the waves of the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear.

It’s the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of dying birds getting splattered on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

A heartfelt admission of guilt

After almost 3 months of being apart from my palm, my mama found it last Saturday. And as I was browsing its content, I found this - I saved this before to remind me always of how much he loved me:

To: "Jing"
Subject: :c
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 04:34:39 +0800

hay...nalulungkot ako kagabi same old same old tama ka nga siguro

pero nagpaalam naman ako syo ng maayos na kung pwede ako matulog na kasi nga pagod ako, and i really think i need/deserve some rest kasi nga db may ubo pa rin ako, nung monday, nasa field kami tapos tuesday 9pm na ako umalis ng C******. alam mo naman lahat ng kilos ko db? and i just think na last night ako makakabawi ng rest, tulog, stress pero hindi rin, kasi inaway mo ako pero bad ako, hindi ko na ininda yung pang-aaway mo, actually talagang tired na siguro ako from work, stressed out sobra.

actually di ko na inabutan yung first text mo, nakatulog na din agad ako, bagsak talaga ako eh. and you were too busy thinking that I dropped you like a hot pancake that you didnt see through that im so stressed out.

nung monday naman, yung sinasabi mo na nag internet ako eh alam mo naman yun db, kasi nga sabi ko syo gusto ko din ma-set up ng ayos itong fone, para ma-email ko syo iyong picture mo. i think you know that. sinabi ko pa nga sa’yo na ka-chat ko si arlene, and i think i was just joking with her kung nabanggit ko man na pinatulog na kita.

it's 430 na po, kagigising ko lang. and nabasa ko na lahat ng txts mo nalulungkot ako, yun lang. yoko naman makipag away. hay... kung alam mo lang kasi kung ano nararamdaman ng katawan ko ngayon, pagkagising ko nga kanina, may sinat uli ako eh. kaya gustong gusto kong magbawi ng rest, tapos aawayin mo pa ako :(

as far as i know, hindi naman ako malimit magcomplain sa yo about pag pagod ako, pero pag sinabi ko syo pagod ako, naku tired talaga ako. and alam mo naman recently na sinasabi ko syo na natatakot ako bumigay katawan ko. kasi talagang ganun feeling ko, na any moment bibigay katawan ko. kasi nga madami ginagawa sa cahbriba, tapos itong ubo at sipon ko almost a week na, kaya natatakot talaga ako sana lang po maintindihan mo ako at wag ka na magtampo.

i never loved you less, lets just think that, im just saving my strength so as i can love you more.

~~~

In as much as I don’t want to continue reading, I forced my self to go on. I am feeling shame for my actions. No wonder he got tired of me… I just wish I could take back all the things that I have done wrong and make everything ok. Kaya lang siyempre, it’s already late – very very late – for that.

I know M. that you will not be able to see this, but if ever (if ever lang) you’ll be able to come in contact with this blog, I would like you to know how very sorry I am for my actions and that I still love you and miss you so much. More than you could ever know.

This time I know, I have to be the one to give in and let you go (a very excruciating task) but life must go one for you and probably for me also - one painful day at a time. Basta this time, I just want you to be happy.

Another lonely day

My family and relatives (including all my 14 cousins, 8 uncle and aunts and 1 grandmother) went to the Memorial Park yesterday to celebrate the All Saints’ Day. It was a little bit different from the previous year’s visit. I went to visit Maciel to catch up with her life but the visit was cut short as I need to leave early since PGMA did not declare November 2 as a special non-working holiday. I was not able to see my classmates in high school kasi naman gabi pa sila pumupunta dun. Hay… all in all it was just another lonely day for me.

~~~

Dear Lord,

Please send my love to Lola Baning, Lolo Lope, Lola Lydia, Nanay Bukid, Nanay Goring, Jeric and Lolo Ciano. Please tell them that I miss them so much and that I will never ever forget them. They are always in my prayers.

Hugs,

~~~

I miss him terribly :(