A heartfelt admission of guilt

After almost 3 months of being apart from my palm, my mama found it last Saturday. And as I was browsing its content, I found this - I saved this before to remind me always of how much he loved me:

To: "Jing"
Subject: :c
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 04:34:39 +0800

hay...nalulungkot ako kagabi same old same old tama ka nga siguro

pero nagpaalam naman ako syo ng maayos na kung pwede ako matulog na kasi nga pagod ako, and i really think i need/deserve some rest kasi nga db may ubo pa rin ako, nung monday, nasa field kami tapos tuesday 9pm na ako umalis ng C******. alam mo naman lahat ng kilos ko db? and i just think na last night ako makakabawi ng rest, tulog, stress pero hindi rin, kasi inaway mo ako pero bad ako, hindi ko na ininda yung pang-aaway mo, actually talagang tired na siguro ako from work, stressed out sobra.

actually di ko na inabutan yung first text mo, nakatulog na din agad ako, bagsak talaga ako eh. and you were too busy thinking that I dropped you like a hot pancake that you didnt see through that im so stressed out.

nung monday naman, yung sinasabi mo na nag internet ako eh alam mo naman yun db, kasi nga sabi ko syo gusto ko din ma-set up ng ayos itong fone, para ma-email ko syo iyong picture mo. i think you know that. sinabi ko pa nga sa’yo na ka-chat ko si arlene, and i think i was just joking with her kung nabanggit ko man na pinatulog na kita.

it's 430 na po, kagigising ko lang. and nabasa ko na lahat ng txts mo nalulungkot ako, yun lang. yoko naman makipag away. hay... kung alam mo lang kasi kung ano nararamdaman ng katawan ko ngayon, pagkagising ko nga kanina, may sinat uli ako eh. kaya gustong gusto kong magbawi ng rest, tapos aawayin mo pa ako :(

as far as i know, hindi naman ako malimit magcomplain sa yo about pag pagod ako, pero pag sinabi ko syo pagod ako, naku tired talaga ako. and alam mo naman recently na sinasabi ko syo na natatakot ako bumigay katawan ko. kasi talagang ganun feeling ko, na any moment bibigay katawan ko. kasi nga madami ginagawa sa cahbriba, tapos itong ubo at sipon ko almost a week na, kaya natatakot talaga ako sana lang po maintindihan mo ako at wag ka na magtampo.

i never loved you less, lets just think that, im just saving my strength so as i can love you more.

~~~

In as much as I don’t want to continue reading, I forced my self to go on. I am feeling shame for my actions. No wonder he got tired of me… I just wish I could take back all the things that I have done wrong and make everything ok. Kaya lang siyempre, it’s already late – very very late – for that.

I know M. that you will not be able to see this, but if ever (if ever lang) you’ll be able to come in contact with this blog, I would like you to know how very sorry I am for my actions and that I still love you and miss you so much. More than you could ever know.

This time I know, I have to be the one to give in and let you go (a very excruciating task) but life must go one for you and probably for me also - one painful day at a time. Basta this time, I just want you to be happy.