'Till I can make it on my own

Kenny Rogers & Dottie West
(This is all I've ever wanted from you, M. Ito lang... and yet even this, ipinagdamot mo sa'kin.)

I'll need time to get you off my mind
I may sometimes bother you, try to be in touch with you
Even ask too much of you, from time to time
Now and then, Lord, you know I'll need a friend
And 'till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you,
'Til I can make it on my own

I'll get by, but no matter how I try
There'll be times that you'll know I'll call
Chances are my tears will fall
And I'll have no pride at all, from time to time
But they say, oh, there'll be a brighter day
But 'til then I lean on you, that's all I mean to do,
'Til I can make it on my own

Surely someday I'll look up and see the morning sun
Without another lonely night behind me
Then I'll know I'm over you and all my cryin's done
No more hurtin' memories can find me

But 'til then, Lord, you know I'm gonna need a friend
'Til I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you
'Til I can make it on my own.

Of hugs and thank yous

Ever since the break up, I was wondering who would give me a hug. I was certain that it would be the only thing that can give me comfort. After 4 weeks of waiting, my Papa gave a very tight hug last Sunday. While hugging me, he said: “Ay! Ang anak ko…” and the tears fell freely off my eyes. That was the second time my papa hugged me. The first time was when he discovered that someone’s courting me. He was the one who shed a tear then, habang sinasabi: “ineng ‘wag muna ha…” meaning wag daw muna ako makikipag-boyfriend.

After a few hours, Tita Flor (his mom), gave me my second hug for the day while Tito Eddee (his dad) gave me my third. Sabi naman niya while hugging me: “Don’t worry, we like you naman…” very comforting yet very painful.

~~~

Mama, on the other hand, has a different way of comforting her heart broken daughter. She bought me rolls of wallpaper the other day (without my knowledge) saying that she will decorate my room. I know, even if she did not say it, that she knows I’m hurting. And when I refused to see her yesterday to return and exchange the wallpaper for something na mas-pink-ish daw (according to papa), she insisted and bought me a pair of jeans. And then all of a sudden, she spoke up about the issue…

Mama: ‘Wag ka na makikipagkita kay M. ha?
Me: Bakit naman po?
Mama: Basta. Galit ako sa kanya. Akala mo ang gwapo! Hmp! Akala mo ang bait, yun pla…
Me: Nyek! Mabait naman po tlaga yun… (I was about to say, na gwapo din – kaya lang baka maihulog ako ng nanay ko sa escalator)
Mama: Basta, wag na.
Me: Hindi na nga po.

And then kanina lang, when I called her, nung magbaba-bye na kami, sabi niya…

Mama: May sasabihin ako sa’yo.
Me: Ano po yun (acting as if I have no idea at all)
Mama: ‘Wag ka na makikipag-usap kay M. ha?
Me: Opo.
Mama: Pati dun sa mga pinsan…
Me: Ok po.
Mama: pabayaan mo na ngayon ka na lang masaktan kesa naman kung kelan kayo kasal na saka kayo mag-aaway at maghihiwalay. Ayoko ng ganun. Ayoko ng inaaway ka. Kasi Pag inway ka at kasal na kayo, papahiwalayin kita.
Me: ok po.

Hay, she’s right I know. And I love her so much… and Papa and Tita Flor and Tito Eddee, Taluts and Inay. I know in your very own way, you’re comforting me. Thank you very much po.

Truly, in all His wonders, He still finds the time to let each of us know that we are not alone and that we are loved. I love you din Lord! So much! Don’t ever get tired of me. Ha? :) Mah!

The conversation inside

I feel good today :) don’t ask me why. I have no idea. :) siguro Anica talked to my Heart while I was sleeping noh? I could just imagine the conversation…

Anica: Heart? Are you there? Are you still awake?
Heart: Yeah…
Anica: How are you?
Heart: Bruised… dying. Why?
Anica: Nothing. I’m just worried, you know… I’ve read something for you a few hours ago. Did you get it?
Heart: What about? Which one?
Anica: The Testimony of Rio Diaz and the song I Hope You Dance.
Heart: I’m sorry, but I was too busy being sad…
Anica: They’re beautiful you know.
Heart: Can you please tell me everything you’ve read?
Anica: Ok, I’ll try. Here it goes…

~~~

RIO DIAZ's Testimony (Aug 17,2003)

Lord, help me... Lord! Lord, just tell me you're in control.

The Lord said: This is my doing. Your weakness needs my strength and your safety lies in letting me fight for you. You did not come to this place by accident. You are exactly where I meant you to be. You were so busy that I could not get your attention and I wanted to teach you some of my greatest truths. The pain will leave you as soon as you learn to see me in all things.

I focused on His promises as Jesus said, Surely I am with you always.

The Lord allowed me to learn to never give up, never give up… put your hope in God.

God comforted my heart with these verses: Why are you downcast o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him my Savior and my Lord.

Don't be sad. I know God is in full control of my life.

Yes, isn't our God amazing? God spared my life when Stanford doctors had given up on me.

In my heart, I knew why. God allowed this miracle in my life to show us how gracious He is and what a powerful weapon prayer can be. And that God can perform miracles in our lives, if you let Him. I will never fully understand God's ways but I do know that God has a purpose for each of us. When God calls you to live for Him, He will invite you to be a part of something much bigger than yourself, something that requires the very best of you, something that may outlive you. When God calls us to a powerful vision, it may transcend safety and it may transcend common sense because it is all about Jesus Christ. Without Jesus, we will not make it!

Do we know, do you know, what God wants you to do with your life? If you are uncertain of God’s will for your life, surrender all your plans to Jesus because God's plans for us are perfect.

SERENITY PRAYER

God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

***

I hope you dance
Ronan Keating

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leaves you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking,
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...

[Sung over the top::]
Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.

I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,
I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance....

[Sung over the top::]
Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.

I hope you dance,
I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,
I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,

Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.

~~~

(and the conversation continues…)

Anica: If I would highlight the text/lines I want, I have to highlight everything.
Heart: Very nice piece. Hopeful…
Anica: I hope you like it.
Heart: I do. That’s strange… I feel better.
Anica: That’s good! Probably you just need to look at the brighter side… you know, the other side of the coin. He taught us that di ba?
Heart: Yeah… probably.
Anica: I’ll leave you on your own for just a bit, so you may rest.
Heart: Thank you Anica :)
Anica: You're welcome Heart. Now, rest.

The fox

You are the fox.

Guilty, your Honor

May karma din...

There Arlene, I verbalized it. And yes, I am guilty.

I know that even if I wasn't able to finish the sentence, you know what i mean.

You were telling me when you heard it that deep in my heart I mean it…wished for it to happen… the devil’s rejoicing because of it.

Guilty as charged.

But let me explain.

I’ve been dumped. I begged. I was stabbed to death and was killed many times in the process. I asked you last night if karma works for everything/everybody. Because I was trying to remember if I have done something very wicked in the past that might have caused to me to experience this heartache. You told me that probably, it was a payment for my past life’s offense. Probably. If so, I understand. I have to bear the consequences.

If not… then what? Nothing.

I have to admit I sometimes imagine myself to be in the better position.

But even if I’m blinded with tears, I’m still lucid enough to know that wishing something bad for someone is still a sin.

Yes, it is in the deepest seat of my mind and I don’t know how long it will stay there. Sometimes though, when I try and focus enough, I am able to fight the evil off my head. Sadly, sometimes, I can’t (or maybe I just won’t).

Right now, I cannot defend myself I can only explain to lessen the guilt.

“If we had an exchange of hearts
Then you'd know why I fell apart
You'd feel the pain when the mem'ries start
If we had an exchange of hearts”

Scarred people are beautiful...

(My teacher in Religion gave this poem to me during my senior year in high school. I remember giving him a copy when we were just/still friends. He was heartbroken then from his first love. He told me he shed a tear when he read it. Now, I’m the one who’s weeping. Life can really be comical sometimes)

Man speaks :
i've seen a number of good movies, Lord
like Romeo and Juliet.
The love of young people, at least in this movie,
is beautiful ...
so simple,
so total,
so uncomplicated!
they seem so natural...
so free in their emotions...
unrestrained in their actions.

I wish I could be like that, Lord
But I can't be!
Why is it so?
I've been hurt, Lord!
I have trusted and been betrayed many times.
I have loved and received nothing in return.
I have tried hard to care and failed often.
I have shared my secrets and heard them whispered to others.
I have been warm and received a cold shoulder.
I've been through it, Lord!
I have fallen on my face.
I have banged my shins.
I've been bruised!
Look, Lord! I'm all covered with scars!

The Lord speaks:
Maybe you have not yet understood enough!
Maybe you still haven't learned that human life is like that.
All saints are scarred.
Young love isn't the highest form of human love.
The highest love comes from scarred people.
i know many people who stop loving
so they won't be hurt again.
But those people who do start over again,
who continue despite of all,
who leave themselves open to the possibility of hurt again,
These people are able to love in a gentle way...
a more understanding way...
a richer way.

Man responds:
I think I know what you mean, Lord.
I've met people like that and
knowing them gives me great courage.
The greatest people are those who continue to love with all their scars.
I like scarred people, Lord. They are beautiful.

I'm alive!

13

I thought I’m not gonna survive, but I did! :) Whew! I pray that the next ones would be bearable.

~~~

I don’t know if this is a good news or a bad news but someone very close is pregnant. As far as I am concern, it is good news. For every baby (born or unborn) is a blessing from the Lord.

Dear YOU,

I know you will not be able to read this, but I would like you know that I’ll be praying for you and your baby. I cannot be there for you physically since the “bond” that connects us has already been broken but I pray to God that everything would be all right. I know you are in a lot of stress right now (well, I could just imagine!) but I want you to think that eventually they will be thankful that you’re having him/her (the baby). Sana, I can offer a hand or a shoulder now…

Hugs...

Entry recall

See the entry below? That’s what I feel a few minutes ago. And now, I’m ok na. Grabe! Ano ba namang feelings ito? Kahit kelan hindi stable! Anyway, at least I feel a little bit better ngayon. Have to do so many things. Have to focus or suffer the consequences.

sana hindi na lang ako nakakaramdam. sana hindi na lang ganito kalungkot. sana manhid na lang ako.

Office adventure

I enjoy staying here in the office. I enjoy the pressure, the work related annoyance, and the fulfillment of being able to accomplish something important.

Today, we had a very war-freaked day. Both the P and the ED seems to be enjoying battering us up with work, calls and sarcastic remarks. For our part, we satisfy ourselves by laughing back at them.

I, for one, experience their wrath a few minutes before 5:00pm. P called just to ask millions of questions of which I know nothing. In short she insulted me na naman. Hay… they are those kinds of people who will not live for another day, not unless they ruins other people’s day.

Anyway, that’s not the point of this entry. The point is we act as a support system here. Syempre, not everything/everybody is perfect but most of the time, we support each other. And that, I think, is the most important. :)

Personal prayer

Since September 5 until last night I have been begging him to stay and love me. Unfortunately he also told me last night that it’s really over. That he really does not love me anymore. It pains me so much to hear that -- that I had to cry out loud to release the pain.

Dear Lord,
I don’t want to complain.
But I know that only you can unburden me.
Only you my God can help me
with what I’m going through right now.
I offer you every pain...
every single drop of tear...
Heal me my God.

Message for the day

Surprisingly simple, the action of this man. Just words of mercy or touches of kindness. Fingers on sightless eyes. A hand on a weary shoulder. Words for sad hearts… all fulfilling the prophecy: “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.”

Again I ask. Why are these portraits of the Bible? Why does this gallery exist? Why did God leave us one tale after another of wounded lives being restored? So we could be grateful for the past? So we could look back with amazement at what Jesus did?

No. No. No. A thousand times no. The purpose of these stories is not to tell us what Jesus did. The purpose is to tell us what Jesus does.

“Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us,” Paul penned. “The Scriptures give us patience and encouragement so that we can have hope” (Rom. 15:4)

-- Max Lucado, He still moves stones p. 190

Prayer for the day

O Lord, grant that I may see
the joke of things,
The little things that
bother now and then.
Lord, grant my sense of humor
to be strong,
To weep a bit - and yet,
to smile again.
God, grant there be a chuckle in each tear,
To every trial, Lord, grant
a funny half.

Grasping for air

Guada: ever feel that you’re zooming on life’s highway but with broken parts? Well don’t wait for an accident to happen -- get a tune up soon.
-- sun cellular daily horoscope
04-Oct-04
09:44 am

I have been badly bruised and hurt by what has happened. In fact if you will be able to look inside my heart right now, it is torn apart, barely recognizable. The person whom I regarded to as my best friend and life partner has shattered it for the nth-time yesterday. The person whom I loved so much has betrayed me and left me grasping for air to breath. I can feel my heart breaking into million pieces that no pain reliever or medicine can ever comfort or heal me.

I am turning my heart to you, my LORD. I have no one else to turn to... no one except you.

He mentioned yesterday that there might be a bigger and greater plan.

If there is, then I hope it will not be long till I see the dawn. Cause it is really very dark…

~o0o~

this song, his song for his first love, suddenly played... he showed me how much it hurts:

Nobody Knows
Tony Rich Project

(Talking:)
Wish I'd told her how I felt,
Then maybe she'd be here right now,
But instead...I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' insideAnd nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,
Nobody, nobody, but me.....

Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me
Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely...

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' youAnd nobody knows it but me...

A birthday wish

Happy birthday Cons! :)

Thank you for everything! For all the emails, the text messages and the prayers. Most of all thank you for the friendship :) I hope it lasts until forever :)

I miss you!

Message for the day

"Don't Cry," said Jesus.
-- Max Lucado, He still moves stones p. 174

A birthday wish

As the old saying goes: Friends may come and go but they will always be part of your life...

Happy Birthday Alma! :) We may not see each other for years but you will always be part of my life :)