In Your Darkest Hour

by: Mark Lopez & Paulo Tirol

In your darkest hour, did you see Me?
In your deepest sorrow, did you feel My comfort?
In your loneliness, did you take My outstretched Hand?
Your darkness is Mine too, and your sorrows I do share,
In your brokenness, My child, I am there.

In your time of pain, I embraced you,
Soothed your wounded spirit, whispered words of courage,
Led you by the hand when you knew not where to go.
For your darkness is Mine too, and your sorrows I do share,
In your brokenness, My child, I am there.

And My Hand shall never leave you.
You are Mine, My child.
Cast your load upon Me and rest your weary heart.
As is now and will always be: I am there.
And My Light shall never fail you.
You are Mine, My child.
I bring you a new day to renew your life and hope.
May you always remember, My child, I am there,

That in your darkest hour, you will see Me.
In your deepest sorrow, you will feel My comfort.
In your loneliness, you will take My outstretched Hand.
For your darkness is Mine too, and your sorrows I do share,
My child, I am ever there.

When again that hour comes,
When again the night sets in,
I am ever there, My child, and the dawn again I'll bring!

There are times when life tests us, when it seems as if we are desperately lost. And yet, we recall the Eucharistic Prayer that consoles us: "…when we were lost and could not find our way to You, You loved us more than ever."

In this composition by Mark Lopez and Paulo Tirol, we hear the words of a comforting Father who sustains us with His love. He is close to us when we cannot find our way, sharing in our sorrow and in our pain, lovingly waiting for us to see His guiding hand.

After Christmas blues

Arlene hates me. I accidentally dropped her cell phone in a basin full of water :( of course it’s not working. But it was really an accident :( promise…

~~~

Wishes

Ø Birthday wish (December 12, 2004): --
Ø Wishing fountain (November 25, 2004, Eastwood): --
Ø Falling star (December 23, 2004): --
Ø A kiss from a yellow butterfly (December 14, 2004): --
Ø 9-morning masses (December 16 – 23, 2004): I did not complete this. I tried so hard to wake up every morning since the simbang gabi started but on the 9th day, I did not wake up. I cried but I was assured that “God will do the rest” naman.

~~~

Dear you: Hi. Can I ask you a favor? I know for you this is very trivial but can you please, please ask her to stop sending me text messages. I don’t know if you will ever understand why I’m asking you this, pero kung hindi man, nakikiusap at nagmamakaawa ako na huwag niyo na naman akong i-text, please… alam mo naman na hanggang ngayon ay mahal na mahal pa rin kita. Higit pa sa buhay ko. I know her intentions are well but every time kasi na nakakareceive ako ng message from either of you, the world that I am building crumbles down into pieces again. I have no plans of bothering you. Wala kong balak mang-gulo. It’s just that sobrang nahihirapan lang talaga ako. Sobrang hirap na hirap in forgetting you. If only I could teach my heart to stop loving you nagawa ko na. Kaya lang matagal ang processing ng puso ko. I am not angry with you or her. Probably time will come when I can talk to you again pero wag nyo naman akong pilitin na ngayon. Kasi kung ngayon, magmamakaawa lang ulit ako na mahalin mo ako. You see I have to cope up dun sa memories that keep on hunting me. Everything reminds me of you. Tapos dadagdagan nyo pa, baka hindi ko na kayanin. I was begging Him yesterday to please get me na. Hindi ko lang alam kung matutupad yun. But I was really begging Him. Hindi ko na alam dapat isipin. I’m back to hell again -- sleepless nights and all.

My friend told me that we now live in two very different seasons, you being in the summer season and me in the winter. I have not yet seen the end of this very very cold night. I only have my family, friends and Him to light and comfort me in this darkness. Don’t be the wind that blows the light off my candle. Please…

Mood: depressed and weepy and sad and lonely and lost and...

Angels who remembered

Below are the angels who took time to greet me :) during my so-called birthday. They were the ones who lifted me to my feet when I had trouble remembering how to fly:

• Cons: Gud am! Habrday 2 u, habrday, habrday, habrday 2 u! Hehehe wel hope ud hav a wonderful day! :) See us soon! Love u! Mwaah! (11-Dec-04 07:53am)
• Kris: Hapi bertdey guading! :) (11-Dec-04 03:27pm)
• Arlene: […] countdown na, 25 k n wyl im 24 still! :) (11-Dec-04 04:43pm)
• Maciel: Me 2! Super me ng enjoy! M so hapi coz we celebrated ur bday & r frndshp. So frm now on dpt we regularly c each othr evry mo, atlist. Thanks best friend! :) (11-Dec-04 08:19pm)
• Kris: […] Hehe. Bukas pa nga, hapi bertday n rn mamya! (11-Dec-04 10:08pm)
• […] 9110439: Happy 25th Birthday!!! (11-Dec-04 11:47pm)
• Arlene: Hapi hapi hapi bertdey!!! Mmmwah! (12-Dec-04 12:18am)
• Maciel: Happy birthday my dearest bestfriend! M stl awake. Jaz watched brkfst @ tfnys. :) Love u bestfriend!! (12-Dec-04 2:18am)

Maciel called me at round 2:22am (12-Dec-04)

• Maciel: Sweet dreams! Njoy ur day, n a fw hrs u cn clbr8 it w/ ur fmly. God Bless. (12-Dec-04 2:28am)
• Emily: Happy birthday!!! ;o mwahz (12-Dec-04 06:07pm)
  Cons: Gud am! Habrday 2 u, habrday, habrday, habrday 2 u! Hehehe ngayn tama n. Hav a wonderful day! Mwaah! :) (12-Dec-04 06:44pm)
• Jeff: Happy b-day we love you muahhh…. (12-Dec-04 07:30am)
• Kathy: Happy Birthday! (12-Dec-04 08:15am)
• Lenen: Happy birthday. Wel talk soon. I mis u (12-Dec-04 09:09am)
• Gello: Happy b day ate happy b day 2 u happy b day 2 u I love u. (12-Dec-04 09:10am)
• Ms. Tats: Hi guada, hapi hapi bday :) may all your birthday wishes come true. Enjoy d day (12-Dec-04 10:12am) – me, baby and ronald
• Tess A: Happy birthday!!! (12-Dec-04 10:14am) – me and mike
• She: Hapi bday my friend! Enjoy ur bday! May u find d true luv n happiness in a person hu truly luvs u! hapi bday! :) (12-Dec-04 10:35am)
• Ms. Wena: Happy birthday :) (12-Dec-04 10:37am)
• Tito Dan: Gud am, Happy b-day. (12-Dec-04 11:03am)
• Ate Baby: Hapi-bday! (12-Dec-04 12:57am)
• Hazel: Guads hapi bday… miss u. (12-Dec-04 1:14pm)
• Nangni Bing: Guada inaanak happy happy birthday po! May ur special day b a most blessed day. :) Enjoy po! :) God loves us :) (12-Dec-04 1:28pm)
• Tess Z (all the way from Singapore): Hapi bday girl! Wish u happiness and peace of mind. :) (12-Dec-04 4:24pm)
• Cha: happy, happy, happy birthday! :) God bless you always! Miss u na. Mwahz! :) (12-Dec-04 5:44pm)
• Weng: Hi girl, I won’t let d day end w/o greeting u. Here’s a wish dat u b happier and more blessed… happy birthday, my dear friend! :) (12-Dec-04 6:18pm)
• Gian: ate, hapi bday.. (12-Dec-04 6:41pm)
• Loids: Even without seeing you, even without saying a word, even without sending messages, I never fail to remember you. Wish you happiness. Happy birthday Guads! (12-Dec-04 21:48pm)

Maciel took the time to ask how my birthday was :)

• Michelle: hi, Ms. Guadz! I juz want 2 grit u a hapy bday. Alwz tkcre. God bles nd gudnyt. (12-Dec-04 11:21pm)
• Ice: Ate guada, hapi hapi birthday! Sana umapaw pa ang kaligayahan at kagandahan mo ngayon taon, at sa mga susunod pa! :) ingat ka lagi. (12-Dec-04 11:27pm)
• Mej: hi! Partner! Hapi bday 2u! more 2 come.. mis u! God bless. (12-Dec-04 11:47pm)
• Ate Vic: Bl8d hapi bday, guadidie! (13-Dec-04 08:27am)
• Jaike: (picture of an angel) m ur Angel Fairy! I’ll b d fairy 2 pray dat ur wishes do come true. Hapi birtdey :) mwaahh. God bless u. (13-Dec-04 06:11pm)
• Mila: 2day I wish u a day of miracles, a day of little things to smyl about; I wish a day of happiness, with peace and love in ur heart. HAPPY BDAY, girl! Mwah! (15-Dec-04 10:28pm)

~~~

Message for the day:

As you start a new day, look at the world around you. Fill your heart with gladness and your mind with thoughts that are life giving. As you celebrate Sunday, dwell on how you’ve experienced God’s faithfulness in your life. Celebrate His faithfulness by filling your heart with songs and by letting your spirit sing of God!

~~~

I did not want this day to come – in fact it frightens me. I was hoping that when I sleep on the 11th I would just wake up on the 13th na. Of course it did not happen. I still woke up on the 12th BUT I had fun with my friends and my family. They were there for me and I am very thankful for having them.

~~~

Today is Papa's 50th birthday!

Dear God, please grant him and mama good health and long life. Thank you very much! Mwa!

Swollen cheek

My right cheek is swollen.

Please note that the linking verb I used in the above sentence is in its present form. Meaning until now, it is still swollen.

Who’s the culprit?

My dentist and her friend dentist.

Last week my dentist prescribed that my impaction be surgically removed.

Dental impaction: Teeth pressing together. For example, molar teeth (the large teeth in the back of the jaw) can be impacted, cause pain and require pain medication, antibiotics, and surgical removal.

So, trusting that she knows what she’s doing, I gave her the go signal to contact her friend dentist to execute the operation.

Saturday: for two hours – without rest – friend dentist worked on/in (whatever) my mouth to be able to remove the hidden teeth. I can feel my mouth being stretched to its limit and being harassed at the same time. grrrr!

Sunday: Mama and Papa woke me up early to attend mass with them. I readily got out of bed kaya lang my teeth/gums hurt so much that, as silly as it may seem, I cried in front of the mirror – feeling ko kasi, hindi na babalik yung dating size ng cheeks ko :( Of course now I know how silly the crying part was but what can I do? My very vain brain always work over time during weekends. :)

Anyway, I went back to bed missing (again – good grief! – sigh) the 2nd Sunday of Advent’s mass :(

~~~

Yesterday was Tzie's birthday. I think she's 22 years old na if I’m not mistaken. I sent her a text message to greet her a very happy birthday :)

Advent season

Sad me.

I suddenly remember that last Sunday was the First Sunday of Advent and I wasn’t able to hear the mass.

Hay… I’m a very lousy catholic :(

Of giggling, finding and clotting

For the past few days, Arlene has been complaining about my “hyper-ness” :) I couldn’t seem to stop myself from talking and giggling about almost everything! – scary huh? – Oh well, let’s just hope (for the sake of those people around me :) that when this talking and giggling stage ends, I can still smile.

~~~

I usually buy book based on the urge level that I feel while holding it inside the bookstore. I have been planning to buy Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho for the longest time now and yet I couldn’t seem to find the “strong urge” to be able to do so.

However, on a whim, I bought the book last Friday and it straightaway becomes one of the most beautiful literary pieces I have ever read.

The Universe allowed me to read this book just now for the proper understanding of a lot of things. The hope, that someday I will find the right one, is still very much alive. But when that time comes, I pray to be reminded that I do not and cannot own anybody. I can only love and allow it to overflow for the other person to experience.

Nevertheless the finding of one’s self must start now.

~~~

Wazzup newsflash (corni :)

The blood is, at present, coordinating and actively participating (I hope) in an activity initiated by the brain, the clotting process – the first stage of healing :)

Hopeless :)

Fate, that what will get you together, some where
you weren't planing to go, some thing you
didn't want to do but some thing told you to do
so, and here they are, standing in front of
you, you know you will find the perfect match
one day, just trust your feelings and it will
lead you where they are.


Where will you find love?
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100 things about me

1. I am a couch potato to the bones.
2. I am the eldest and the only daughter in a brood of three.
3. I celebrate my birthday on the 12th day of the 12th month.
4. A black sheep Sagittarian.
5. I love sunrise. I don’t like sunset.
6. I love bright colors like red, blue and yellow (primary colors)
7. I read a lot.
8. I collect books – especially children’s books.
9. I rarely remember my dreams.
10. I am near-sighted and I have astigmatism.
11. I love sweets.
12. I am a chocolate lover.
13. I love cheese.
14. I don’t believe in love at first sight.
15. I collect perfumes (though I only have few) but don't wear them.
16. I am a forgetful person.
17. I was operated for having a ruptured ovarian cyst (ok now, no need to panic)
18. I don’t like deep swimming pools – water above 5.3 feet scares me.
19. I have a big brown mole on the second line of my right middle finger.
20. I love stars.
21. My idea of a romantic night is gazing at the stars with my beloved.
22. I used to take up piano and guitar lessons.
23. But I do not know how to play any of them now.
24. I am very frugal.
25. I don’t like hard-core science fiction (if there is such a term).
26. I own a M100 Palm Pilot (I know! a stone age gadget nevertheless I love it)
27. I am a palm person.
28. I like singing – a lot but it doesn’t like me.
29. I am not fond of bar hoping.
30. I love taking pictures.
31. I have been to Cebu.
32. I love watching TV.
33. People usually say I am “mataray” looking.
34. Especially when I am not smiling.
35. I am very shy and easily embarrassed.
36. I am a Filipino.
37. Frustrated dancer.
38. I smile a lot :)
39. I stick my tongue out whenever I’m embarrassed.
40. I love pillows. I have 9 (different sizes and shapes) on my bed right now.
41. I am from UPLB and very proud of it.
42. I love Los Baños. Someday, I would like to live there with my family.
43. My parents love me so much.
44. And I love them as much.
45. I am a Roman Catholic.
46. I love watching movies.
47. I hate horror (in any form) – books, movies, TV show, etc.
48. My feet size ranges from 7 to 7.5 to 8.
49. I wear eyeglasses.
50. I love biology and chemistry and mathematics. I hate physics and computer science.
51. I love the smell of freshly mowed grass.
52. I don't think I have any special talents.
53. I dream of having a digital camera and a laptop.
54. I would like to become a photographer.
55. I dream of being a pre-school teacher someday.
56. I like wearing comfy clothes and shoes.
57. I am a huge fan of “Beauty and the Beast” (Disney).
58. I collect them.
59. I love Belle, Ariel, Jasmine and Mulan and hate Cinderella and Snow White (so girly).
60. I love donuts and brownies.
61. I am a pack rat.
62. I treasure every gift I received (90% of them anyway)
63. I hate earthworms. I’d die just seeing them. I like frogs. I hate rats.
64. I love the rain.
65. But I don’t want my feet to get wet and dirty whenever it does.
66. I love my “Inay” so much.
67. And also my brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles.
68. I don't smoke.
69. I hardly drink alcoholic stuff either.
70. I prefer McDonald to Jollibee.
71. I talk to my self a lot.
72. I love yellow butterfly/ies. They represent something beautiful to me (and I heard they’re lucky).
73. I am a control freak.
74. I am a worrier.
75. I have a large, humongous, big hand. Well… that is bigger than most girls’.
76. People close to me regard me as “makulit”. Super!
77. I am quite stubborn. Ok! Ok! Super stubborn.
78. I get cold easily.
79. I am a sleeper and a napper.
80. I am 60% OC.
81. I like everything in order or else I will not be able to work.
82. A pizza monster, an ice cream monster and a cookie monster.
83. A certified coffee addict.
84. Brewed and espresso please.
85. I love walking but I seldom run.
86. I enjoy browsing through supermarket shelves.
87. My favorite Sweet Dreams books are PS I love you and Wrong Way Romance.
88. I have tons of stuff under my bed.
89. I like gerbera better than any other flowers.
90. I like ironing my clothes. It gives me the chance to reflect and daydream.
91. I like traveling and seeing places.
92. Fan of folk songs of the 60’s and the 70’s – they are the oldies but goodies.
93. A big fan of Ally McBeal, Gilmore Girls and Charmed.
94. Loves making scrapbook.
95. A special kid – slow in learning almost everything…
96. I like being hugged and being kissed always.
97. I love God.
98. And I want to be in love with Him for eternity.
99. I like making memories.
100. And keeping them in my heart.

In short...boring

You Are the Reformer

1 You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

What number are you?

How come it's so hard to post test results? It took me at least 20 mins to get this thing done. Gosh!

Giving up in a battle I can't win

Wala na po, I give up. As much as I want to fight You for Your decision to separate us, I can’t. I have no power against You. All I want and can do right now is to concede and accept defeat. You promised that You would take care of me. That is the only thing that keeps me going these days. I hope and pray that you will not disappoint me. Please take care of him. Give him all the best things in life. Mahal na mahal ko po yun – mahal na mahal na mahal. I know You can read me and can see through me – I’m angry and hurt. But what can I do? Nothing. I can only hold on to You. Just please don’t ever leave my side… I need You more now. Hug me always. I love You so much. And still, I thank You for everything.

Often we stand at life's crossroads and view what we think is the end. But God has much bigger vision and He tells us.... "Relax, my child it's only a bend."

Me: perfect example

gul·li·ble [ gúll?b’l ]

definition:
(adjective)

easily duped: tending to trust and believe people, and therefore easily tricked or deceived; too willing to believe everything that other people say

Operation: social life

Besides short term memory loss, feeling ko nabo-bobo na ako :( hay… I really have to find ways to keep myself busy and sane these days or else baka makita na lang ako sa may plaza namin in SPC carrying a pussy cat and tons of plastic bags – in short luka-luka.

It’s a pity at the same time relieving to think that I did not enroll this semester for the subject, Econometrics. J and I had been exchanging text messages since the last week of October. He was convincing me to enroll this semester. Unfortunately I did not prepare for it at the same time I was planning to enroll next semester at UPOU (I hope this one pushes through). Kaya yun, I begged off. We just agreed to meet one weekend para ibigay sa kanya ang mga “importanteng dokumento”.

I have to put a start on my social life again.

To start with, when I go home this weekend, I’ll try to look for the piano teacher, Camille mentioned last Sunday. Frustrated pianist eh… kasi naman what I really want is to dance – as in modern hiphop or jazz thingie kaya lang, I don’t know anybody near who knows how. I guess, I also have to look din noh? If I want something that bad, I have to pursue it.

Piper syndrome

As I watched the supposed to be new season of Charmed last night, which is of course a replay (or is it?), I cannot help but wish that somehow, I could be like Piper – or rather what she had become when she went to the Valhalla Island – unfeeling and as cold as stone.

Dreaded dates:

December 12
December 25
January 1

Of all sh*ts naman, why do these dates have to fall on a weekend. I wish I could just sleep through these days.

"What is the sound of a heart breaking?" -- Karen Kunawicz

(I hope no one sues me for posting this. I found the piece very nice... I can very well empathize)

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.

It’s the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It’s the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "i love yous" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of the waves of the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear.

It’s the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of dying birds getting splattered on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

A heartfelt admission of guilt

After almost 3 months of being apart from my palm, my mama found it last Saturday. And as I was browsing its content, I found this - I saved this before to remind me always of how much he loved me:

To: "Jing"
Subject: :c
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 04:34:39 +0800

hay...nalulungkot ako kagabi same old same old tama ka nga siguro

pero nagpaalam naman ako syo ng maayos na kung pwede ako matulog na kasi nga pagod ako, and i really think i need/deserve some rest kasi nga db may ubo pa rin ako, nung monday, nasa field kami tapos tuesday 9pm na ako umalis ng C******. alam mo naman lahat ng kilos ko db? and i just think na last night ako makakabawi ng rest, tulog, stress pero hindi rin, kasi inaway mo ako pero bad ako, hindi ko na ininda yung pang-aaway mo, actually talagang tired na siguro ako from work, stressed out sobra.

actually di ko na inabutan yung first text mo, nakatulog na din agad ako, bagsak talaga ako eh. and you were too busy thinking that I dropped you like a hot pancake that you didnt see through that im so stressed out.

nung monday naman, yung sinasabi mo na nag internet ako eh alam mo naman yun db, kasi nga sabi ko syo gusto ko din ma-set up ng ayos itong fone, para ma-email ko syo iyong picture mo. i think you know that. sinabi ko pa nga sa’yo na ka-chat ko si arlene, and i think i was just joking with her kung nabanggit ko man na pinatulog na kita.

it's 430 na po, kagigising ko lang. and nabasa ko na lahat ng txts mo nalulungkot ako, yun lang. yoko naman makipag away. hay... kung alam mo lang kasi kung ano nararamdaman ng katawan ko ngayon, pagkagising ko nga kanina, may sinat uli ako eh. kaya gustong gusto kong magbawi ng rest, tapos aawayin mo pa ako :(

as far as i know, hindi naman ako malimit magcomplain sa yo about pag pagod ako, pero pag sinabi ko syo pagod ako, naku tired talaga ako. and alam mo naman recently na sinasabi ko syo na natatakot ako bumigay katawan ko. kasi talagang ganun feeling ko, na any moment bibigay katawan ko. kasi nga madami ginagawa sa cahbriba, tapos itong ubo at sipon ko almost a week na, kaya natatakot talaga ako sana lang po maintindihan mo ako at wag ka na magtampo.

i never loved you less, lets just think that, im just saving my strength so as i can love you more.

~~~

In as much as I don’t want to continue reading, I forced my self to go on. I am feeling shame for my actions. No wonder he got tired of me… I just wish I could take back all the things that I have done wrong and make everything ok. Kaya lang siyempre, it’s already late – very very late – for that.

I know M. that you will not be able to see this, but if ever (if ever lang) you’ll be able to come in contact with this blog, I would like you to know how very sorry I am for my actions and that I still love you and miss you so much. More than you could ever know.

This time I know, I have to be the one to give in and let you go (a very excruciating task) but life must go one for you and probably for me also - one painful day at a time. Basta this time, I just want you to be happy.

Another lonely day

My family and relatives (including all my 14 cousins, 8 uncle and aunts and 1 grandmother) went to the Memorial Park yesterday to celebrate the All Saints’ Day. It was a little bit different from the previous year’s visit. I went to visit Maciel to catch up with her life but the visit was cut short as I need to leave early since PGMA did not declare November 2 as a special non-working holiday. I was not able to see my classmates in high school kasi naman gabi pa sila pumupunta dun. Hay… all in all it was just another lonely day for me.

~~~

Dear Lord,

Please send my love to Lola Baning, Lolo Lope, Lola Lydia, Nanay Bukid, Nanay Goring, Jeric and Lolo Ciano. Please tell them that I miss them so much and that I will never ever forget them. They are always in my prayers.

Hugs,

~~~

I miss him terribly :(

'Till I can make it on my own

Kenny Rogers & Dottie West
(This is all I've ever wanted from you, M. Ito lang... and yet even this, ipinagdamot mo sa'kin.)

I'll need time to get you off my mind
I may sometimes bother you, try to be in touch with you
Even ask too much of you, from time to time
Now and then, Lord, you know I'll need a friend
And 'till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you,
'Til I can make it on my own

I'll get by, but no matter how I try
There'll be times that you'll know I'll call
Chances are my tears will fall
And I'll have no pride at all, from time to time
But they say, oh, there'll be a brighter day
But 'til then I lean on you, that's all I mean to do,
'Til I can make it on my own

Surely someday I'll look up and see the morning sun
Without another lonely night behind me
Then I'll know I'm over you and all my cryin's done
No more hurtin' memories can find me

But 'til then, Lord, you know I'm gonna need a friend
'Til I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you
'Til I can make it on my own.

Of hugs and thank yous

Ever since the break up, I was wondering who would give me a hug. I was certain that it would be the only thing that can give me comfort. After 4 weeks of waiting, my Papa gave a very tight hug last Sunday. While hugging me, he said: “Ay! Ang anak ko…” and the tears fell freely off my eyes. That was the second time my papa hugged me. The first time was when he discovered that someone’s courting me. He was the one who shed a tear then, habang sinasabi: “ineng ‘wag muna ha…” meaning wag daw muna ako makikipag-boyfriend.

After a few hours, Tita Flor (his mom), gave me my second hug for the day while Tito Eddee (his dad) gave me my third. Sabi naman niya while hugging me: “Don’t worry, we like you naman…” very comforting yet very painful.

~~~

Mama, on the other hand, has a different way of comforting her heart broken daughter. She bought me rolls of wallpaper the other day (without my knowledge) saying that she will decorate my room. I know, even if she did not say it, that she knows I’m hurting. And when I refused to see her yesterday to return and exchange the wallpaper for something na mas-pink-ish daw (according to papa), she insisted and bought me a pair of jeans. And then all of a sudden, she spoke up about the issue…

Mama: ‘Wag ka na makikipagkita kay M. ha?
Me: Bakit naman po?
Mama: Basta. Galit ako sa kanya. Akala mo ang gwapo! Hmp! Akala mo ang bait, yun pla…
Me: Nyek! Mabait naman po tlaga yun… (I was about to say, na gwapo din – kaya lang baka maihulog ako ng nanay ko sa escalator)
Mama: Basta, wag na.
Me: Hindi na nga po.

And then kanina lang, when I called her, nung magbaba-bye na kami, sabi niya…

Mama: May sasabihin ako sa’yo.
Me: Ano po yun (acting as if I have no idea at all)
Mama: ‘Wag ka na makikipag-usap kay M. ha?
Me: Opo.
Mama: Pati dun sa mga pinsan…
Me: Ok po.
Mama: pabayaan mo na ngayon ka na lang masaktan kesa naman kung kelan kayo kasal na saka kayo mag-aaway at maghihiwalay. Ayoko ng ganun. Ayoko ng inaaway ka. Kasi Pag inway ka at kasal na kayo, papahiwalayin kita.
Me: ok po.

Hay, she’s right I know. And I love her so much… and Papa and Tita Flor and Tito Eddee, Taluts and Inay. I know in your very own way, you’re comforting me. Thank you very much po.

Truly, in all His wonders, He still finds the time to let each of us know that we are not alone and that we are loved. I love you din Lord! So much! Don’t ever get tired of me. Ha? :) Mah!

The conversation inside

I feel good today :) don’t ask me why. I have no idea. :) siguro Anica talked to my Heart while I was sleeping noh? I could just imagine the conversation…

Anica: Heart? Are you there? Are you still awake?
Heart: Yeah…
Anica: How are you?
Heart: Bruised… dying. Why?
Anica: Nothing. I’m just worried, you know… I’ve read something for you a few hours ago. Did you get it?
Heart: What about? Which one?
Anica: The Testimony of Rio Diaz and the song I Hope You Dance.
Heart: I’m sorry, but I was too busy being sad…
Anica: They’re beautiful you know.
Heart: Can you please tell me everything you’ve read?
Anica: Ok, I’ll try. Here it goes…

~~~

RIO DIAZ's Testimony (Aug 17,2003)

Lord, help me... Lord! Lord, just tell me you're in control.

The Lord said: This is my doing. Your weakness needs my strength and your safety lies in letting me fight for you. You did not come to this place by accident. You are exactly where I meant you to be. You were so busy that I could not get your attention and I wanted to teach you some of my greatest truths. The pain will leave you as soon as you learn to see me in all things.

I focused on His promises as Jesus said, Surely I am with you always.

The Lord allowed me to learn to never give up, never give up… put your hope in God.

God comforted my heart with these verses: Why are you downcast o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him my Savior and my Lord.

Don't be sad. I know God is in full control of my life.

Yes, isn't our God amazing? God spared my life when Stanford doctors had given up on me.

In my heart, I knew why. God allowed this miracle in my life to show us how gracious He is and what a powerful weapon prayer can be. And that God can perform miracles in our lives, if you let Him. I will never fully understand God's ways but I do know that God has a purpose for each of us. When God calls you to live for Him, He will invite you to be a part of something much bigger than yourself, something that requires the very best of you, something that may outlive you. When God calls us to a powerful vision, it may transcend safety and it may transcend common sense because it is all about Jesus Christ. Without Jesus, we will not make it!

Do we know, do you know, what God wants you to do with your life? If you are uncertain of God’s will for your life, surrender all your plans to Jesus because God's plans for us are perfect.

SERENITY PRAYER

God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

***

I hope you dance
Ronan Keating

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leaves you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking,
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...

[Sung over the top::]
Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.

I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,
I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance....

[Sung over the top::]
Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.

I hope you dance,
I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,
I hope you dance....
I hope you dance,

Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.

~~~

(and the conversation continues…)

Anica: If I would highlight the text/lines I want, I have to highlight everything.
Heart: Very nice piece. Hopeful…
Anica: I hope you like it.
Heart: I do. That’s strange… I feel better.
Anica: That’s good! Probably you just need to look at the brighter side… you know, the other side of the coin. He taught us that di ba?
Heart: Yeah… probably.
Anica: I’ll leave you on your own for just a bit, so you may rest.
Heart: Thank you Anica :)
Anica: You're welcome Heart. Now, rest.

The fox

You are the fox.

Guilty, your Honor

May karma din...

There Arlene, I verbalized it. And yes, I am guilty.

I know that even if I wasn't able to finish the sentence, you know what i mean.

You were telling me when you heard it that deep in my heart I mean it…wished for it to happen… the devil’s rejoicing because of it.

Guilty as charged.

But let me explain.

I’ve been dumped. I begged. I was stabbed to death and was killed many times in the process. I asked you last night if karma works for everything/everybody. Because I was trying to remember if I have done something very wicked in the past that might have caused to me to experience this heartache. You told me that probably, it was a payment for my past life’s offense. Probably. If so, I understand. I have to bear the consequences.

If not… then what? Nothing.

I have to admit I sometimes imagine myself to be in the better position.

But even if I’m blinded with tears, I’m still lucid enough to know that wishing something bad for someone is still a sin.

Yes, it is in the deepest seat of my mind and I don’t know how long it will stay there. Sometimes though, when I try and focus enough, I am able to fight the evil off my head. Sadly, sometimes, I can’t (or maybe I just won’t).

Right now, I cannot defend myself I can only explain to lessen the guilt.

“If we had an exchange of hearts
Then you'd know why I fell apart
You'd feel the pain when the mem'ries start
If we had an exchange of hearts”

Scarred people are beautiful...

(My teacher in Religion gave this poem to me during my senior year in high school. I remember giving him a copy when we were just/still friends. He was heartbroken then from his first love. He told me he shed a tear when he read it. Now, I’m the one who’s weeping. Life can really be comical sometimes)

Man speaks :
i've seen a number of good movies, Lord
like Romeo and Juliet.
The love of young people, at least in this movie,
is beautiful ...
so simple,
so total,
so uncomplicated!
they seem so natural...
so free in their emotions...
unrestrained in their actions.

I wish I could be like that, Lord
But I can't be!
Why is it so?
I've been hurt, Lord!
I have trusted and been betrayed many times.
I have loved and received nothing in return.
I have tried hard to care and failed often.
I have shared my secrets and heard them whispered to others.
I have been warm and received a cold shoulder.
I've been through it, Lord!
I have fallen on my face.
I have banged my shins.
I've been bruised!
Look, Lord! I'm all covered with scars!

The Lord speaks:
Maybe you have not yet understood enough!
Maybe you still haven't learned that human life is like that.
All saints are scarred.
Young love isn't the highest form of human love.
The highest love comes from scarred people.
i know many people who stop loving
so they won't be hurt again.
But those people who do start over again,
who continue despite of all,
who leave themselves open to the possibility of hurt again,
These people are able to love in a gentle way...
a more understanding way...
a richer way.

Man responds:
I think I know what you mean, Lord.
I've met people like that and
knowing them gives me great courage.
The greatest people are those who continue to love with all their scars.
I like scarred people, Lord. They are beautiful.

I'm alive!

13

I thought I’m not gonna survive, but I did! :) Whew! I pray that the next ones would be bearable.

~~~

I don’t know if this is a good news or a bad news but someone very close is pregnant. As far as I am concern, it is good news. For every baby (born or unborn) is a blessing from the Lord.

Dear YOU,

I know you will not be able to read this, but I would like you know that I’ll be praying for you and your baby. I cannot be there for you physically since the “bond” that connects us has already been broken but I pray to God that everything would be all right. I know you are in a lot of stress right now (well, I could just imagine!) but I want you to think that eventually they will be thankful that you’re having him/her (the baby). Sana, I can offer a hand or a shoulder now…

Hugs...

Entry recall

See the entry below? That’s what I feel a few minutes ago. And now, I’m ok na. Grabe! Ano ba namang feelings ito? Kahit kelan hindi stable! Anyway, at least I feel a little bit better ngayon. Have to do so many things. Have to focus or suffer the consequences.

sana hindi na lang ako nakakaramdam. sana hindi na lang ganito kalungkot. sana manhid na lang ako.

Office adventure

I enjoy staying here in the office. I enjoy the pressure, the work related annoyance, and the fulfillment of being able to accomplish something important.

Today, we had a very war-freaked day. Both the P and the ED seems to be enjoying battering us up with work, calls and sarcastic remarks. For our part, we satisfy ourselves by laughing back at them.

I, for one, experience their wrath a few minutes before 5:00pm. P called just to ask millions of questions of which I know nothing. In short she insulted me na naman. Hay… they are those kinds of people who will not live for another day, not unless they ruins other people’s day.

Anyway, that’s not the point of this entry. The point is we act as a support system here. Syempre, not everything/everybody is perfect but most of the time, we support each other. And that, I think, is the most important. :)

Personal prayer

Since September 5 until last night I have been begging him to stay and love me. Unfortunately he also told me last night that it’s really over. That he really does not love me anymore. It pains me so much to hear that -- that I had to cry out loud to release the pain.

Dear Lord,
I don’t want to complain.
But I know that only you can unburden me.
Only you my God can help me
with what I’m going through right now.
I offer you every pain...
every single drop of tear...
Heal me my God.

Message for the day

Surprisingly simple, the action of this man. Just words of mercy or touches of kindness. Fingers on sightless eyes. A hand on a weary shoulder. Words for sad hearts… all fulfilling the prophecy: “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.”

Again I ask. Why are these portraits of the Bible? Why does this gallery exist? Why did God leave us one tale after another of wounded lives being restored? So we could be grateful for the past? So we could look back with amazement at what Jesus did?

No. No. No. A thousand times no. The purpose of these stories is not to tell us what Jesus did. The purpose is to tell us what Jesus does.

“Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us,” Paul penned. “The Scriptures give us patience and encouragement so that we can have hope” (Rom. 15:4)

-- Max Lucado, He still moves stones p. 190

Prayer for the day

O Lord, grant that I may see
the joke of things,
The little things that
bother now and then.
Lord, grant my sense of humor
to be strong,
To weep a bit - and yet,
to smile again.
God, grant there be a chuckle in each tear,
To every trial, Lord, grant
a funny half.

Grasping for air

Guada: ever feel that you’re zooming on life’s highway but with broken parts? Well don’t wait for an accident to happen -- get a tune up soon.
-- sun cellular daily horoscope
04-Oct-04
09:44 am

I have been badly bruised and hurt by what has happened. In fact if you will be able to look inside my heart right now, it is torn apart, barely recognizable. The person whom I regarded to as my best friend and life partner has shattered it for the nth-time yesterday. The person whom I loved so much has betrayed me and left me grasping for air to breath. I can feel my heart breaking into million pieces that no pain reliever or medicine can ever comfort or heal me.

I am turning my heart to you, my LORD. I have no one else to turn to... no one except you.

He mentioned yesterday that there might be a bigger and greater plan.

If there is, then I hope it will not be long till I see the dawn. Cause it is really very dark…

~o0o~

this song, his song for his first love, suddenly played... he showed me how much it hurts:

Nobody Knows
Tony Rich Project

(Talking:)
Wish I'd told her how I felt,
Then maybe she'd be here right now,
But instead...I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' insideAnd nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,
Nobody, nobody, but me.....

Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me
Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely...

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' youAnd nobody knows it but me...

A birthday wish

Happy birthday Cons! :)

Thank you for everything! For all the emails, the text messages and the prayers. Most of all thank you for the friendship :) I hope it lasts until forever :)

I miss you!

Message for the day

"Don't Cry," said Jesus.
-- Max Lucado, He still moves stones p. 174

A birthday wish

As the old saying goes: Friends may come and go but they will always be part of your life...

Happy Birthday Alma! :) We may not see each other for years but you will always be part of my life :)

Message for the day

"My time," said Jesus.
-- Max Lucado, He still moves stones p. 138

Journey

Lea Salonga

Half the world is sleeping
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their hearts beat
Half just hear them break

I am but a trav'ler
Been most everywhere
Ask me what you want to know

Chorus:
What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see your better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where I'll be tomorrow
I can only guess

Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow
Foward, always foward I go

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge:
Foward, always foward
Onward, always up
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

(Repeat Chorus)
What a journey it has been

This is the dawn of my new journey...